Last Friday I got my labs back and said I am cancer for 1 year now. that was great news. I started a new dose of synthroid last tues, but it will be some time before I feel better. im still freezing, and tired. the nurse said maybe they will want to check me in 2 months to see if im getting enough of the meds im on.
a couple Saturdays ago I felt like I had a total meltdown my hubby called the endo on-call to see if they could help they gave me Ativan, which helped some it calmed me down, but I still feel like im in this gloomy place yet. I still feel like I was abandoned by 2 people in my life, at least emotionally I do feel abandoned by one whom I live with, other one is in my heart. i use to be the optimistic kind that all changed on jan 3rd 2012. I always had something positive to say about all the bad stuff that happens now I cant find the words to say anymore or don't care to.
in about 10 days is my and my hubbys 17th annv (23rd) it don't seem like its been that long at all. seems we just go thru crisis after crisis and not actually growing closer together. just doing what we have to get thru whatever we are in at the time. don't seem like in 3 yrs we will be together 2 decades. i think of the country song "You're Gonna Miss This" and do miss being newly married. seems like time went by so fast but didn't see the fun of it all when they say time flies when ur having fun, i didn't see much fun, only at the beginning. after a few yrs it was brain surgery (me) and then the hubby had cancer just 3 months after my brain surgery (2001) then other surgeries that i had, i have had a surgery each year in the last 3 yrs 2011,2012,2013...... 2 thyroidectomies 6 weeks apart and then this last aug had my gallbladder taken out due to really bad pain and 4 er trips in one month, which the last led me in to an admission to hosp and gallbladder came out the next day... i think i had enough of surgeries i feel like im a cutting board or something. and i also had a hysterectomy when i was 30. just seems that in our marriage the 2 things we struggle with the most is health and of course money but seems more like health from both sides.
just wish i could feel normal again whatever that is, i don't have the energy i once had. there are nights after i know my hubby is asleep and im awake i cry.... just cry for i don't know.......... EVERYTHING........... that i am stressed over worried about that i fear about, i never use to be like that, i always was the strong one and i cant be anymore. i use to be the type of person that always said that when we would go through a trial ok Lord what are You gonna teach us? to OH NO what is it this time i cant do this again i don't want to do this again. and sometimes saying IM done. and just want to climb back into bed and stay there under the blankets for good and not face another day.
i got the "Fat" cancer that thins the hair on my head that i have been trying to grow since 2010, i feel like im 30 yrs older than i really am. my body is falling apart i am in pain most of the day, that ibuprofen or Tylenol or aleve don't help they just kill my insides i actually had an er dr tell me i cant take them all anymore but i don't care i just don't care what it does to me i take them anyways since i cant take anything else since i have no fam dr to help me with the pain i have. i have neck pain, shoulder pain from being rear-ended in 2011, i have back pain and sciantica and hip pain, the hip pain feels like the ball joint pops out when i walk which makes it hard to walk when it does pop out, everything is on my right side and have chronic migraines. i use a cane sometimes when my hip really hurts. im too young for a cane!!!!!!!!!! im tired all the time anymore and im tired of it i take vitamins to try to help but nothing. im tired now so i guess my rant is done for this blog..........................
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
WOW TALK ABOUT TIRED AND FREEZING
On oct 13th I had to stop my synthroid to be checked for cancer. I have labs on nov 4th and that cant come any soon. I did finally get my endo dr to start me on a lower dose when I can go back on it, hoping that it will help me not be so hot and sweaty and help me sleep better. but not sure if it will she may have to have me on 2 pills a day to make up and different dosage. but we will see. im wondering cuz its 25mcgs lower and I think if it were about 10 or 15 mcgs lower might help but that don't come in those doses they have to make it up by taking 2 pills. one thing about going hypothyroid for 3 weeks my husband loves it lol, cuz im freezing and not hot where I need a fan or something. this is my yearly check to make sure the cancer is still gone. they are checking my TSH, TG the TG is the cancer marker test.
I really do miss my thyroid, even on meds im terrible with my memory and gotten worse now cuz no meds. I had to stop taking them on my last day of my family vacation, we went down to Lancaster pa I love that place that's where my hubby and I honeymooned, and went back on our 6th annv and this yr. we took our daughter this time and if someone is reading this ash had 3 days of homeschooling all 3 days were where there she had school but not like u think, every place we went to was educational. she really loved the wolf sanctuary glad my hubby found that online to go to. it was great to get away from things for a few days as a family. id go down there anytime. we even went to sight and sounds that was awesome hubby and I didn't go on out honeymoon, and our daughter went last year with her youth group. so I wanted to go when we went down. when still on my thyroid meds I still slowed down quick the fri that week we went to the outlet malls (my glory place lol) and felt tired then sat was 2 Hershey things and I couldn't keep up with them I was like 4ft behind them and when we went to the wolf sanctuary I had to use my cane. I hate using my cane, im not that old that I have to use it lol but I do.
I don't know why I feel the way I feel since thyca Ive been thinking a lot of the past when hubby and I were dating and getting married. and how I think time just flew and I know people think its a midlife crisis but it started after I knew I had thyca. how I think theres time that was just wasted where I should've done some things and didn't do cuz I said I have all the time in the world, and we don't life is short. guess it was a wake up call for me. I have been feeling sad or apprehensive the last month or so thinking and pondering different things that are personal, about my life, being a wife, and being a mother but I wont get into details. I know some of the feeling is due to hypothyroid but I have felt this before I had to stop it. I guess ill have to sort all that out and trust in the Lord to help me through all this, I just have a lot of fears about it all. like I feel im not doing all I can for hubby and daughter. I have a hard time keeping the house clean so that makes me feel like a bad wife, its like thyca took a piece of me out, but im soooo tired all the time and no one understands, hubby thinks I should be able just get outside and walk and I cant I try and get really tired out and dizzy I need that treadmill that a friend has for me so I cant walk til I get tired and lay down instead of pushing it to get home then im sick.im not the outdoors kind of person anymore like he is cuz hes a hunter. I use to be always outside when I was little in the summer but hate winter, when I got in my teens then it got boring, and I don't like being outside in town, atleast at my parents they have 50+ acres and no ones around.....
but the best time I had was this month where I got to spend 3 full days with the 2 most important people in my life, and I was happy.
I feel like I am far away from God, I know He will never leave me that its me that moved but I don't know how to feel that He is here I have been reading my Bible everyday since the beginning of 2010 and am still reading it is harder now cuz a lot of the time what I read I forget or not "getting" what it is saying to me where I can learn something.
ive been busy the last few months in aug I was in ER 4xs for gallbladder pain and it was the 3rd dr who said its that and I need it out and the day I was to see surgeon I ended up in er again, and he said hed take it out the next day so I was admitted that day. I waited 9 hours for a room tho. no more pain there anymore. im glad I had that taken out. it felt like something exploded in me when it was flared up and all it was, was sludge no stones. and I am still looking for a fam dr its very aggravating that no one will take me and I don't know why they wont take me. I guess I do have health insur for a bit cuz of all my medical bills at the hosp and it was high lol
I really do miss my thyroid, even on meds im terrible with my memory and gotten worse now cuz no meds. I had to stop taking them on my last day of my family vacation, we went down to Lancaster pa I love that place that's where my hubby and I honeymooned, and went back on our 6th annv and this yr. we took our daughter this time and if someone is reading this ash had 3 days of homeschooling all 3 days were where there she had school but not like u think, every place we went to was educational. she really loved the wolf sanctuary glad my hubby found that online to go to. it was great to get away from things for a few days as a family. id go down there anytime. we even went to sight and sounds that was awesome hubby and I didn't go on out honeymoon, and our daughter went last year with her youth group. so I wanted to go when we went down. when still on my thyroid meds I still slowed down quick the fri that week we went to the outlet malls (my glory place lol) and felt tired then sat was 2 Hershey things and I couldn't keep up with them I was like 4ft behind them and when we went to the wolf sanctuary I had to use my cane. I hate using my cane, im not that old that I have to use it lol but I do.
I don't know why I feel the way I feel since thyca Ive been thinking a lot of the past when hubby and I were dating and getting married. and how I think time just flew and I know people think its a midlife crisis but it started after I knew I had thyca. how I think theres time that was just wasted where I should've done some things and didn't do cuz I said I have all the time in the world, and we don't life is short. guess it was a wake up call for me. I have been feeling sad or apprehensive the last month or so thinking and pondering different things that are personal, about my life, being a wife, and being a mother but I wont get into details. I know some of the feeling is due to hypothyroid but I have felt this before I had to stop it. I guess ill have to sort all that out and trust in the Lord to help me through all this, I just have a lot of fears about it all. like I feel im not doing all I can for hubby and daughter. I have a hard time keeping the house clean so that makes me feel like a bad wife, its like thyca took a piece of me out, but im soooo tired all the time and no one understands, hubby thinks I should be able just get outside and walk and I cant I try and get really tired out and dizzy I need that treadmill that a friend has for me so I cant walk til I get tired and lay down instead of pushing it to get home then im sick.im not the outdoors kind of person anymore like he is cuz hes a hunter. I use to be always outside when I was little in the summer but hate winter, when I got in my teens then it got boring, and I don't like being outside in town, atleast at my parents they have 50+ acres and no ones around.....
but the best time I had was this month where I got to spend 3 full days with the 2 most important people in my life, and I was happy.
I feel like I am far away from God, I know He will never leave me that its me that moved but I don't know how to feel that He is here I have been reading my Bible everyday since the beginning of 2010 and am still reading it is harder now cuz a lot of the time what I read I forget or not "getting" what it is saying to me where I can learn something.
ive been busy the last few months in aug I was in ER 4xs for gallbladder pain and it was the 3rd dr who said its that and I need it out and the day I was to see surgeon I ended up in er again, and he said hed take it out the next day so I was admitted that day. I waited 9 hours for a room tho. no more pain there anymore. im glad I had that taken out. it felt like something exploded in me when it was flared up and all it was, was sludge no stones. and I am still looking for a fam dr its very aggravating that no one will take me and I don't know why they wont take me. I guess I do have health insur for a bit cuz of all my medical bills at the hosp and it was high lol
Thursday, September 26, 2013
tired
its been awhile since I was on here, so heres an update. in august I had my gallbladder taken out, after 4xs in the ER they decide to take it out, and I feel much better without it but cant eat fast foods without having a bathroom close by. but love not having the feeling that something is exploding inside me now.
I was denied for SSI and it was past 60 days that I got a hold of the lawyer even tho I called her office 2xs before the days were up, and it was a good enough reason for them to give me a hearing, so my lawyer said to reapply for it, then go thru the appeals council for yrs and may not get a hearing. so im starting from the beginning again. im not going for SSI for thyca but rather the effects after it and plus all my pain in neck, shoulder, back, hip, and terrible migraines. I cant lift to much stuff and when im on the phone my arms would hurt I cant stand or sit for along time. I can sit at a slant. and that my memory is like mud people have to repeat things to me, I cant remember what I made for dinner the following nights and coming up with words I want to type here I have to really think about it and think about the spelling and I knew how to spell in Kgn
I have been baking goodies I re-found my love for that. my daughter got me back into doing my hair and makeup and my nails even the press on ones since after thyca my nails are worthless. I want to feel and look beautiful for my husband even tho I don't think I am beautiful. we will be married 17yrs in November. and I am trying to find my beauty in Christ since it says in the bible.... He made EVERYTHING beautiful in His own time. its hard for me to see myself as beautiful. ive started taking different vitamins, I just saw on one of my thyca pages that folic acid helps with thinning hair which most thyca patients suffer with and that our nails are crap too they break easy and left jagged. I wondered why when I was pregnant with my daughter that my hair and nails were strong and beautiful, thought maybe it was being pregnant cuz it went away after she was born and that's when I stopped the folic acid.
I wish I can lose some weight. I go back and forth with it, some days im not hungry only for cereal and then there are days where I cant get enough to eat. everything still don't taste good yet. my memory is still like mud I forget more now than every before, I had to break down and buy 2 different pills holders for when I take them, I bought one for my synthroid cuz I kept forgetting that and bought a AM and PM for my others and vitamins cuz I kept forgetting my potassium, and I need my potassium like I need synthroid or air. last oct when I found out we had no health insur I took only one of my potassiums for 2 weeks, I ended up in the ER for my heart and I had them check that and said it was low and I need to get back on 2 a day ASAP. so I know I need that med. im still in a lot of pain but now I have a bad hip and one er dr said I have sciatica in my back I cant feel my right foot a lot of the time, and I cant lift over 15lbs til it subsides but it never does. I hate this I cant get no relief for my pain and cant find a dr. I had to go to a free clinic which treated me better than the one dr who kicked me out of his practice cuz I wouldn't take anti depressants when im not depressed I have a few anxiety attacks but not enough that I have to take something everyday. this is so frustrated about everything and stressful even tho my hubby don't think I get stressed out.
I don't know why but since I had thyca I have been collecting butterflies any kind and color but mainly purple, teal, and pink which is thyca colors. it seems to be therapeutic for me to do that. I know your thyroid is the shape of a butterfly and they call thyca survivors butterfly warriors........... I am having trouble trusting that God is with me , I know He will never leave me but I feel all alone. seems like the only person who cares if I over do is my daughter who yells at me if I am and she shouldn't worry about her momma. she is such a caring person, she asks me all the time if I want her to make me something or get me something like water. and of course I know my mom cares and my mother in law does too, but that's not what im looking for, theres only one person I like to know that cares about me and worried about me in over doing things.
all I can say in my head is a Bible verse over and over again......... I can do ALL things in Christ who strengthens me or when im afraid ........ what time im afraid I will trust in thee......
Monday, June 17, 2013
tired of the way i feel
I still feel tired all the time still. I'm going to call my endo dr tomorrow and see how my tsh levels came out. I had my labs done a couple weeks ago. I still have a bad memory forget things all the time, and still get worn out quick too. I got denied SSI which that is another call I will make tomorrow, I am gonna call a lawyer to appeal it. I was in the er last week for bad pain in my hip and along the whole right side of my body, I wondered if they thought I was having a stroke, cuz they took me in fast when I had a bad migraine. they gave me a Cat scan on my brain and came out fine and then an xray of my hip and found out I have arthritis in it... JUST WHAT I NEED!!!!
im tired of feeling so tired and feeling so much pain between my shoulder, neck, back now my hip it makes my toes feel numb almost, there are still days I just don't want to get out of bed, but I know I have to and I need to be on SSI so I guess im going to go with an appeal, I cant stand hearing people getting it and not have anything wrong with them but those who need it have a hard time, I know if I cant do an 8 hr work at my own house I cant with a job other than what I try to do here at home my daughter helps me out the most. I guess I don't know how to limit myself they asked me on the sheets I had to fill out how long can u stand or walk and clean house I do it til it makes me pass out about I don't know how to limit myself on things im trying to tho.
im still looking for a family dr. I hate that mine retired and left a jerk to take over. that may be another call I will make tomorrow as well as my daughter is at her piano lesson. I have to get her stuff around to give to the school district her piano teacher was her evaluator this yr. kinda miss Syl doing her evaluation :)
im tired of feeling so tired and feeling so much pain between my shoulder, neck, back now my hip it makes my toes feel numb almost, there are still days I just don't want to get out of bed, but I know I have to and I need to be on SSI so I guess im going to go with an appeal, I cant stand hearing people getting it and not have anything wrong with them but those who need it have a hard time, I know if I cant do an 8 hr work at my own house I cant with a job other than what I try to do here at home my daughter helps me out the most. I guess I don't know how to limit myself they asked me on the sheets I had to fill out how long can u stand or walk and clean house I do it til it makes me pass out about I don't know how to limit myself on things im trying to tho.
im still looking for a family dr. I hate that mine retired and left a jerk to take over. that may be another call I will make tomorrow as well as my daughter is at her piano lesson. I have to get her stuff around to give to the school district her piano teacher was her evaluator this yr. kinda miss Syl doing her evaluation :)
Friday, March 29, 2013
Happy Easter
It's beeen awhile since i wrote on this since jan 3rd wow. Just thinking of Easter Sunday, thinking i am feeling much better this yr than last yr. I can actually enjoy an Easter dinner this yr, even tho my taste still is off but not as bad as last yr, where i had none.
I have been feeling alot better with some more energy than i had last year, but not much still have pace myself but what i have paced myself has helped alot, where i dont think i need to do everything at once. Been taking care of myself better. i would like to get back into walking but i want a treadmill that a friend wants to give me to start on first, so that if i get tired i can rest and stop, if i walked outside like i used to i always got too tired and dizzy but i still had to keep going. so if i can start on a treadmill and get better then i can start outside like i like it.
i have been baking like crazy breads, sweets, and cooking more fresh meals from scratch and loving it. i went pan crazy last summer buying up different pans i never had and always wanted. i think my family has been liking what i have been making they eat it all up.... have been collecting recipes from my mom in law and my mom and online to try new stuff.
i have to have a scan in june or over the summer and get check to make sure i still have no thyroid cancer. i do have some charity assistance to help pay for my medical bills for a yr i have help through the people who make the meds so i can have them for a yr too. so things are looking up for me just wish that my energy would be back to what it was i turned 36 in march i feel more like 60 sometimes and then i guess if my synthroid really kicks in im hyper lol. i have to find a new family dr cuz the one who took over my old dr after he retired dont like when i said i WONT take an anti- depressant for anxiety attacks. i still get those sometimes, but those happy pills people call them dont help me at all they make crazy and not remember what happened first time i had themfor migraines my husband said i acted like i never acted with before and i scared him. i dont remember anything of the day after i took them cuz they want u to take them at bedtime.
think my emotions are sorta on level now im more happier than i use to be, but i guess i have my times lol but dont most women do. if my husband only knew everything that is on my mind and what i am still going through he knows some but i havent really said much about stuff.
i wish spring would come here where i live im tired of the cold im freezing one moment then next im hot, but mainly cold all the time, i still get red rashes on my arms when my skin is still over hot. once i was in the ER and they saw the rash they asked are you here for that, i said no its a thing that comes since thyroid cancer. they had a funny look on their face lol.
im in better spirits about everything gotta start living again and not let that i had cancer get me down. i have a family to take care of. hope everyone has a great Easter i remember it as when Christ gave His life for us and rose again the 3rd day. it gives me chills when im facebook and see pictures of Christ on the cross, makes me know that He loves me and died for me i dont know anyone who would risk his life for mine, but Jesus "It is finished!" John 19:30 as He hung on the cross said these words meaning He did the will of the Father all the way to death for us wow to have that kind of love
I have been feeling alot better with some more energy than i had last year, but not much still have pace myself but what i have paced myself has helped alot, where i dont think i need to do everything at once. Been taking care of myself better. i would like to get back into walking but i want a treadmill that a friend wants to give me to start on first, so that if i get tired i can rest and stop, if i walked outside like i used to i always got too tired and dizzy but i still had to keep going. so if i can start on a treadmill and get better then i can start outside like i like it.
i have been baking like crazy breads, sweets, and cooking more fresh meals from scratch and loving it. i went pan crazy last summer buying up different pans i never had and always wanted. i think my family has been liking what i have been making they eat it all up.... have been collecting recipes from my mom in law and my mom and online to try new stuff.
i have to have a scan in june or over the summer and get check to make sure i still have no thyroid cancer. i do have some charity assistance to help pay for my medical bills for a yr i have help through the people who make the meds so i can have them for a yr too. so things are looking up for me just wish that my energy would be back to what it was i turned 36 in march i feel more like 60 sometimes and then i guess if my synthroid really kicks in im hyper lol. i have to find a new family dr cuz the one who took over my old dr after he retired dont like when i said i WONT take an anti- depressant for anxiety attacks. i still get those sometimes, but those happy pills people call them dont help me at all they make crazy and not remember what happened first time i had themfor migraines my husband said i acted like i never acted with before and i scared him. i dont remember anything of the day after i took them cuz they want u to take them at bedtime.
think my emotions are sorta on level now im more happier than i use to be, but i guess i have my times lol but dont most women do. if my husband only knew everything that is on my mind and what i am still going through he knows some but i havent really said much about stuff.
i wish spring would come here where i live im tired of the cold im freezing one moment then next im hot, but mainly cold all the time, i still get red rashes on my arms when my skin is still over hot. once i was in the ER and they saw the rash they asked are you here for that, i said no its a thing that comes since thyroid cancer. they had a funny look on their face lol.
im in better spirits about everything gotta start living again and not let that i had cancer get me down. i have a family to take care of. hope everyone has a great Easter i remember it as when Christ gave His life for us and rose again the 3rd day. it gives me chills when im facebook and see pictures of Christ on the cross, makes me know that He loves me and died for me i dont know anyone who would risk his life for mine, but Jesus "It is finished!" John 19:30 as He hung on the cross said these words meaning He did the will of the Father all the way to death for us wow to have that kind of love
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Cancerversary
this was the day last year i heard those dreaded words, you have papillary cancerous tumor on your thyroid. The hard part was to go home and tell my best friend in life my husband. He didnt go with me, his mom took me so she was the first besides me that knew i told her as i was walking out the dr office.
I still dont feel good even after a yr from my diagnosis, everytime i have a day out like today it puts me down in bed for a couple of days, today was grocery day, and i had no help other than when i came home. Ash wasnt home shes at my moms for the week. Mark stayed home from work today he wasnt feel well in his belly, probably too much saurakraut. Im over tired as well since Hubby was in pain most of the night with his pain, so i stayed up with him and tried to help him if i did anything. he was suppose to take me grocery shopping tonight after work.
im still having anxiety attacks. And still have alot of pain in my neck and shoulder everything hurts on me tonight probably over did myself. im tired of feeling like this, im getting way beyond frusterated, with how im feeling and cant even go for my bloodwork since i have no health insurance. i have a phone appt with SSA to see about getting on some kind of disability, which i think i wont get, even tho i know i cant work, i cant even get my house cleaned, im not shy to work i like work i used to work back before i was married. now my work is taking care of hubby and daughter and homeschoolmom even tho my mind is not what it use to be i forget everything if i dont write it down. i cant comprehend things when people are talking to me.
i still find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But i am starting to feel God's presence. i started another year of reading the Bible, i did devotions last yr but i couldnt keep up with the Bible in a year i had to stop in march cuz i kept falling asleep when reading it back in my hypo time. I have to learn my limits and make myself rest and lay down when i need too.
I cant imagine how im getting be feeling when im much older than i am now, im in my 30s and feel like im 70.
i feel like im going to fall asleep now typing this so i will leave with a verse that keeps popping in my head lately. Phil. 4:13.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I still dont feel good even after a yr from my diagnosis, everytime i have a day out like today it puts me down in bed for a couple of days, today was grocery day, and i had no help other than when i came home. Ash wasnt home shes at my moms for the week. Mark stayed home from work today he wasnt feel well in his belly, probably too much saurakraut. Im over tired as well since Hubby was in pain most of the night with his pain, so i stayed up with him and tried to help him if i did anything. he was suppose to take me grocery shopping tonight after work.
im still having anxiety attacks. And still have alot of pain in my neck and shoulder everything hurts on me tonight probably over did myself. im tired of feeling like this, im getting way beyond frusterated, with how im feeling and cant even go for my bloodwork since i have no health insurance. i have a phone appt with SSA to see about getting on some kind of disability, which i think i wont get, even tho i know i cant work, i cant even get my house cleaned, im not shy to work i like work i used to work back before i was married. now my work is taking care of hubby and daughter and homeschoolmom even tho my mind is not what it use to be i forget everything if i dont write it down. i cant comprehend things when people are talking to me.
i still find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But i am starting to feel God's presence. i started another year of reading the Bible, i did devotions last yr but i couldnt keep up with the Bible in a year i had to stop in march cuz i kept falling asleep when reading it back in my hypo time. I have to learn my limits and make myself rest and lay down when i need too.
I cant imagine how im getting be feeling when im much older than i am now, im in my 30s and feel like im 70.
i feel like im going to fall asleep now typing this so i will leave with a verse that keeps popping in my head lately. Phil. 4:13.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)