Last Friday I got my labs back and said I am cancer for 1 year now. that was great news. I started a new dose of synthroid last tues, but it will be some time before I feel better. im still freezing, and tired. the nurse said maybe they will want to check me in 2 months to see if im getting enough of the meds im on.
a couple Saturdays ago I felt like I had a total meltdown my hubby called the endo on-call to see if they could help they gave me Ativan, which helped some it calmed me down, but I still feel like im in this gloomy place yet. I still feel like I was abandoned by 2 people in my life, at least emotionally I do feel abandoned by one whom I live with, other one is in my heart. i use to be the optimistic kind that all changed on jan 3rd 2012. I always had something positive to say about all the bad stuff that happens now I cant find the words to say anymore or don't care to.
in about 10 days is my and my hubbys 17th annv (23rd) it don't seem like its been that long at all. seems we just go thru crisis after crisis and not actually growing closer together. just doing what we have to get thru whatever we are in at the time. don't seem like in 3 yrs we will be together 2 decades. i think of the country song "You're Gonna Miss This" and do miss being newly married. seems like time went by so fast but didn't see the fun of it all when they say time flies when ur having fun, i didn't see much fun, only at the beginning. after a few yrs it was brain surgery (me) and then the hubby had cancer just 3 months after my brain surgery (2001) then other surgeries that i had, i have had a surgery each year in the last 3 yrs 2011,2012,2013...... 2 thyroidectomies 6 weeks apart and then this last aug had my gallbladder taken out due to really bad pain and 4 er trips in one month, which the last led me in to an admission to hosp and gallbladder came out the next day... i think i had enough of surgeries i feel like im a cutting board or something. and i also had a hysterectomy when i was 30. just seems that in our marriage the 2 things we struggle with the most is health and of course money but seems more like health from both sides.
just wish i could feel normal again whatever that is, i don't have the energy i once had. there are nights after i know my hubby is asleep and im awake i cry.... just cry for i don't know.......... EVERYTHING........... that i am stressed over worried about that i fear about, i never use to be like that, i always was the strong one and i cant be anymore. i use to be the type of person that always said that when we would go through a trial ok Lord what are You gonna teach us? to OH NO what is it this time i cant do this again i don't want to do this again. and sometimes saying IM done. and just want to climb back into bed and stay there under the blankets for good and not face another day.
i got the "Fat" cancer that thins the hair on my head that i have been trying to grow since 2010, i feel like im 30 yrs older than i really am. my body is falling apart i am in pain most of the day, that ibuprofen or Tylenol or aleve don't help they just kill my insides i actually had an er dr tell me i cant take them all anymore but i don't care i just don't care what it does to me i take them anyways since i cant take anything else since i have no fam dr to help me with the pain i have. i have neck pain, shoulder pain from being rear-ended in 2011, i have back pain and sciantica and hip pain, the hip pain feels like the ball joint pops out when i walk which makes it hard to walk when it does pop out, everything is on my right side and have chronic migraines. i use a cane sometimes when my hip really hurts. im too young for a cane!!!!!!!!!! im tired all the time anymore and im tired of it i take vitamins to try to help but nothing. im tired now so i guess my rant is done for this blog..........................
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