2 yrs free

Thought id update my blog with my results of my 2 yr checkup for thyroid cancer... I had an ultra sound and labs and all came back clean for cancer so im 2 yrs cancer free. and my husband is 12 yrs free from cancer too.. his apt was back in may and was the only time in the 13 yrs of going to his appts that I couldn't go cuz I was admitted to the hospital that week so they can figure out whats was wrong with my stomach I had so much pain there ... I hated I couldn't go to his apt but had to have a scope down the throat that time ... im still trying to lose weight and get into exercising but had to stop when I had to stop my synthroid for my checkup and it makes weak and tired when im off it now trying to get my energy back when im on my thyroid meds and get back into exercising.....

venting

well it was about a week since I wrote on here. having a hard time dealing with things that person I mentioned on here passed away last thurs, it was just a shocked to me since he was 40 died of lung cancer.
I have been having anxiety problems since that happened, and makes me think, I we went to the er Monday for anxiety and they did find that my potassium was low so idk if that triggered it, or not . and my thyroid was normal
I have so many emotional issues right now, I feel like im going to fall into a hole and cant get out and not one will help me. been crying a lot. feel dead inside, just seems like everything is hitting me at once and feel I have to deal with it all on my own no hubby no God, theres days I wish I wasn't here I feel im invisible anyways, I feel like im falling apart and no one there to help me or catch me. all I want to do is stay under the blankets and never come out ever, will anyone miss me if wasn't here will anyone want to find me if I come up missing? or will they say who cares. I just want to give up no one cares  or loves me maybe I should
I still walk some but idk if I can keep up with it. I don't feel like itll change me and plus have no one to support me on it that matters to me I know all u thyca ppl who read this would tell me to get my ass out there and walk. I just wish I had someone who would believe in me and help me to keep going and encourage me to do it and support me and he knows who I am talking about if he reads this whole thing ,,,, I need to hear YES ill miss u and help to find u and help, encourage, support ,,, and hold you when u need me to hold u Ill pick u up when u fall and ill be there for u whenever u need me even if im sleeping isn't it that what marriage is all about helping the other when they are weak and  when they lose strength, well I just don't have no more strength anymore ,,,, this my vent for the day

EYE AWAKING MOMENT........ HOPEFULLY LIFE CHANGING THYROID CANCER YOU NO LONGER CONTROL ME !!!!!!!!!!

I made a decision I hope I can keep. im tired of allowing thyca to  control of my life. I want to lose weight and have energy again. a couple weeks ago I took a walk at a park while Ashley was at piano lesson took it slow and easy, not sure the distance, but felt good even tho I was weak and tired when I got home and was shaking. last night I decided to try again closer to home. I walked my path I use to love, and Ashley walked with me it felt great. I walked 2 miles last night think it was too much so gonna try slowing it down a bit, and this morning I had to go to the PO to mail a card out and get some groceries so I decided to walk up rather than drive the car it was 1/2 mile total it was better on me than yesterdays walk.
Got to get back into being close to the Lord again. the last few years I have felt far away from Him and I know its not Him but me that has moved... I want to start taking care of "me" again mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
I still have a lot of pain in my neck, back, hip but walking has been helping the pain somewhat. at physical therapy of my back the lady said that walking will give ur back the oxygen it needs to help the back I hope it does.
I claim my life back from thyca and get past it. I had it, I fought it, I won. now its time to get my life and body back to where it was before and lose more weight than I was then. just hoping I have the strength to do it all. I know itll take time to do it and have to tell myself to go for it, its so easy to give up. I have felt for a couple years that I gave up on myself and let myself go but I cant do that any longer I have a husband and daughter I need to stay healthy for.
kinda had awakening in the last week. found out someone I use to know is dying from cancer its to far long for them to help. and made me think quite abit about my life and that God has spared not just my life but also my husband's life too he had cancer in 2001. life it to short and we need to live like there is no tomorrow, we are not promised tomorrow.
I want to be the woman, wife, mother I have to be and want to be and  I know that I have to first get back into my spiritual life and become closer to the Lord again. I know He will help me.
the only verse that comes to mind typing this is....... phil 4:13 I can do ALL things throught Christ who strengthens me... and I need a lot of strength right now I don't feel too strong to do what my heart and mind wants to do only through God I know I can...............

ONE YEAR CANCER FREE

Last Friday I got my labs back and said I am cancer for 1 year now. that was great news. I started a new dose of synthroid last tues, but it will be some time before I feel better. im still freezing, and tired. the nurse said maybe they will want to check me in 2 months to see if im getting enough of the meds im on.
a couple Saturdays ago I felt like I had a total meltdown my hubby called the endo on-call to see if they could help they gave me Ativan, which helped some it calmed me down, but I still feel like im in this gloomy place yet. I still feel like I was abandoned by 2 people in my life, at least emotionally I do feel abandoned by one whom I live with, other one is in my heart. i use to be the optimistic kind that all changed on jan 3rd 2012. I always had something positive to say about all the bad stuff that happens now I cant find the words to say anymore or don't care to.
in about 10 days is my and my hubbys 17th annv (23rd) it don't seem like its been that long at all. seems we just go thru crisis after crisis and not actually growing closer together. just doing what we have to get thru whatever we are in at the time. don't seem like in 3 yrs we will be together 2 decades. i think of the country song "You're Gonna Miss This" and do miss being newly married. seems like time went by so fast but didn't see the fun of it all when they say time flies when ur having fun, i didn't see much fun, only at the beginning. after a few yrs it was brain surgery (me) and then the hubby had cancer just 3 months after my brain surgery (2001) then other surgeries that i had, i have had a surgery each year  in the last 3 yrs 2011,2012,2013...... 2 thyroidectomies 6 weeks apart and then this last aug had my gallbladder taken out due to really bad pain and 4 er trips in one month, which the last led me in to an admission to hosp and gallbladder came out the next day... i think i had enough of surgeries i feel like im a cutting board or something. and i also had a hysterectomy when i was 30. just seems that in our marriage the 2 things we struggle with the most is health and of course money but seems more like health from both sides.
just wish i could feel normal again whatever that is, i don't have the energy i once had. there are nights after i know my hubby is asleep and im awake i cry.... just cry for i don't know.......... EVERYTHING........... that i am stressed over worried about that i fear about, i never use to be like that, i always was the strong one and i cant be anymore. i use to be the type of person that always said that when we would go through a trial ok Lord what are You gonna teach us? to OH NO what is it this time i cant do this again i don't want to do this again. and sometimes saying IM done. and just want to climb back into bed and stay there under the blankets for good and not face another day.

i got the "Fat" cancer that thins the hair on my head that i have been trying to grow since 2010,  i feel like im 30 yrs older than i really am. my body is falling apart i am in pain most of the day, that ibuprofen or Tylenol or aleve  don't help they just kill my insides i actually had an er dr tell me i cant take them all anymore but i don't care i just don't care what it does to me i take them anyways since i cant take anything else since i have no fam dr to help me with the pain i have. i have neck pain, shoulder pain from being rear-ended in 2011, i have back pain and sciantica and hip pain, the hip pain feels like the ball joint pops out when i walk which makes it hard to walk when it does pop out, everything is on my right side and have chronic migraines. i use a cane sometimes when my hip really hurts. im too young for a cane!!!!!!!!!! im tired all the time anymore and im tired of it i take vitamins to try to help but nothing. im tired now so i guess my rant is done for this blog..........................

WOW TALK ABOUT TIRED AND FREEZING

On oct 13th I had to stop my synthroid to be checked for cancer. I have labs on nov 4th and that cant come any soon. I did finally get my endo dr to start me on a lower dose when I can go back on it, hoping that it will help me not be so hot and sweaty and help me sleep better. but not sure if it will she may have to have me on 2 pills a day to make up and different dosage. but we will see. im wondering cuz its 25mcgs lower and I think if it were about 10 or 15 mcgs lower might help but that don't come in those doses they have to make it up by taking 2 pills. one thing about going hypothyroid for 3 weeks my husband loves it lol, cuz im freezing and not hot where I need a fan or something. this is my yearly check to make sure the cancer is still gone. they are checking my TSH, TG the TG is the cancer marker test.

I really do miss my thyroid, even on meds im terrible with my memory and gotten worse now cuz no meds. I had to stop taking them on my last day of my family vacation, we went down to Lancaster pa I love that place that's where my hubby and I honeymooned, and went back on our 6th annv and this yr. we took our daughter this time and if someone is reading this ash had 3 days of homeschooling all 3 days were where there she had school but not like u think, every place we went to was educational. she really loved the wolf sanctuary glad my hubby found that online to go to. it was great to get away from things for a few days as a family. id go down there anytime. we even went to sight and sounds that was awesome hubby and I didn't go on out honeymoon, and our daughter went last year with her youth group. so I wanted to go when we went down. when still on my thyroid meds I still slowed down quick the fri that week we went to the outlet malls (my glory place lol) and felt tired then sat was 2 Hershey things and I couldn't keep up with them I was like 4ft behind them and when we went to the wolf sanctuary I had to use my cane. I hate using my cane, im not that old that I have to use it lol but I do.

I don't know why I feel the way I feel since thyca Ive been thinking a lot of the past when hubby and I were dating and getting married. and how I think time just flew and I know people think its a midlife crisis but it started after I knew I had thyca. how I think theres time that was just wasted where I should've done some things and didn't do cuz I said I have all the time in the world, and we don't life is short. guess it was a wake up call for me. I have been feeling sad or apprehensive  the last month or so thinking and pondering different things that are personal, about my life, being a wife, and being a mother but I wont get into details. I know some of the feeling is due to hypothyroid but I have felt this before I had to stop it. I guess ill have to sort all that out and trust in the Lord to help me through all this,  I just have a lot of fears about it all.  like I feel im not doing all I can for hubby and daughter. I have a hard time keeping the house clean so that makes me feel like a bad wife, its like thyca took a piece of me out, but im soooo tired all the time and no one understands, hubby thinks I should be able just get outside and walk and I cant I try and get really tired out and dizzy I need that treadmill that a friend has for me so I cant walk til I get tired and lay down instead of pushing it to get home then im sick.im not the outdoors kind of person anymore like he is cuz hes a hunter. I use to be always outside when I was little in the summer but hate winter, when I got in my teens then it got boring, and I don't like being outside in town, atleast at my parents they have 50+ acres and no ones around.....
 but the best time I had was this month where I got to spend 3 full days with the 2 most important people in my life, and I was happy.

I feel like I am far away from God, I know He will never leave me that its me that moved but I don't know how to feel that He is here I have been reading my Bible everyday since the beginning of 2010 and am still reading it is harder now cuz a lot of the time what I read I forget or not "getting" what it is saying to me where I can learn something.

ive been busy the last few months in aug I was in ER 4xs for gallbladder pain and it was the 3rd dr who said its that and I need it out and the day I was to see surgeon I ended up in er again, and he said hed  take it out the next day so I was admitted that day. I waited 9 hours for a room tho. no more pain there anymore. im glad I had that taken out. it felt like something exploded in me when it was flared up and all it was, was sludge no stones. and I am still looking for a fam dr its very aggravating that no one will take me and I don't know why they wont take me. I guess I do have health insur for a bit cuz of all my medical bills at the hosp and it was high lol

tired

 

THIS IS THYROID CANCER AWARENESS MONTH


its been awhile since I was on here, so heres an update. in august I had my gallbladder taken out, after 4xs in the ER they decide to take it out, and I feel much better without it but cant eat fast foods without having a bathroom close by. but love not having the feeling that something is exploding inside me now.

I just had my year checkup for thyca, and after I come home from my family trip in ,I have to stop my synthroid for 3 weeks for them to check for cancer. I can handle that, I just hated the LID I had to do. if its clean then I don't have to see my endo for another year, and shes gonna lower my dosage to see if it'll help me sleep better and not be so hot anymore or jittery. but I still get tired and when I get to sleep I cant get out of bed til 10am or after. I get worn out so easily. I get dizzy and lightheaded a lot especially when I try to do to much, and my back would hurt me just being up 5 mins washing dishes, it feels like someone is stabbing me with a stick in the center of my back

I was denied for SSI and it was past 60 days that I got a hold of the lawyer even tho I called her office 2xs before the days were up, and it was a good enough reason for them to give me a hearing, so my lawyer said to reapply for it, then go thru the appeals council for yrs and may not get a hearing. so im starting from the beginning again. im not going for SSI for thyca but rather the effects after it and plus all my pain in neck, shoulder, back, hip, and terrible migraines. I cant lift to much stuff and when im on the phone my arms would hurt I cant stand or sit for along time. I can sit at a slant. and that my memory is like mud people have to repeat things to me, I cant remember what I made for dinner the following nights and coming up with words I want to type here I have to really think about it and think about the spelling and I knew how to spell in Kgn

I have been baking goodies I re-found my love for that. my daughter got me back into doing my hair and makeup and my nails even the press on ones since after thyca my nails are worthless. I want to feel and look  beautiful for my husband even tho I don't think I am beautiful. we will be married 17yrs in November. and I am trying to find my beauty in Christ since it says in the bible.... He made EVERYTHING beautiful in His own time. its hard for me to see myself as beautiful. ive started taking different vitamins, I just saw on one of my thyca pages that folic acid helps with thinning hair which most thyca patients suffer with and that our nails are crap too they break easy and left jagged. I wondered why when I was pregnant with my daughter that my hair and nails were strong and beautiful, thought maybe it was being pregnant cuz it went away after she was born and that's when I stopped the folic acid.

I wish I can lose some weight. I go back and forth with it, some days im not hungry only for cereal and then there are days where I cant get enough to eat. everything still don't taste good yet. my memory is still like mud I forget more now than every before, I had to break down and buy 2 different pills holders for when I take them, I bought one for my synthroid cuz I kept forgetting that and bought a AM and PM for my others and vitamins cuz I kept forgetting my potassium, and I need my potassium like I need synthroid or air. last oct when I found out we had no health insur I took only one of my potassiums for 2 weeks, I ended up in the ER for my heart and I had them check that and said it was low and I need to get back on 2 a day ASAP. so I know I need that med. im still in a lot of pain but now I have a bad hip and one er dr said I have sciatica in my back I cant feel my right foot a lot of the time, and I cant lift over 15lbs til it subsides but it never does. I hate this I cant get no relief for my pain and cant find a dr. I had to go to a free clinic which treated me better than the one dr who kicked me out of his practice cuz I wouldn't take anti depressants when im not depressed I have a few anxiety attacks but not enough that I have to take something everyday. this is so frustrated about everything and stressful even tho my hubby don't think I get stressed out.

I don't know why but since I had thyca I have been collecting butterflies any kind and color but mainly purple, teal, and pink which is thyca colors. it seems to be therapeutic for me to do that. I know your thyroid is the shape of a butterfly and they call thyca survivors butterfly warriors........... I am having trouble trusting that God is with me , I know He will never leave me but I feel all alone. seems like the only person who cares if I over do is my daughter who yells at me if I am and she shouldn't worry about her momma. she is such a caring person, she asks me all the time if I want her to make me something or get me something like water. and of course I know my mom cares and my mother in law does too, but that's not what im looking for, theres only one person I like to know that cares about me and worried about me in over doing things.

all I can say in my head is a Bible verse over and over again......... I can do ALL things in Christ who strengthens me or when im afraid ........ what time im afraid I will trust in thee......

tired of the way i feel

I still feel tired all the time still. I'm going to call my endo dr tomorrow and see how my tsh levels came out. I had my labs done a couple weeks ago. I still have a bad memory forget things all the time, and still get worn out quick too. I got denied SSI which that is another call I will make tomorrow, I am gonna call a lawyer to appeal it. I was in the er last week for bad pain in my hip and along the whole right side of my body, I wondered if they thought I was having a stroke, cuz they took me in fast when I had a bad migraine. they gave me a Cat scan on my brain and came out fine and then an xray of my hip and found out I have arthritis in it... JUST WHAT I NEED!!!!

im tired of feeling so tired and feeling so much pain between my shoulder, neck, back now my hip it makes my toes feel numb almost, there are still days I just don't want to get out of bed, but I know I have to and I need to be on SSI so I guess im going to go with an appeal, I cant stand hearing people getting it and not have anything wrong with them but those who need it have a hard time, I know if I cant do an 8 hr work at my own house I cant with a job other than what I try to do here at home my daughter helps me out the most. I guess I don't know how to limit myself they asked me on the sheets I had to fill out how long can u stand or walk and clean house I do it til it makes me pass out about I don't know how to limit myself on things im trying to tho.

im still looking for a family dr. I hate that mine retired and left a jerk to take over. that may be another call I will make tomorrow as well as my daughter is at her piano lesson. I have to get her stuff around to give to the school district her piano teacher was her evaluator this yr. kinda miss Syl doing her evaluation :)