Frustrated

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28


i thought i was doing good on feeling better. But now i really dont feel good, our town had its Blockhouse Festival and its only a walk from our house alittle more than where i do my short walks. We went up for our annual chez steaks and sausage and pepers and did some walking around it too. Mark let me buy a hanging towel for the kitchen. and we walked back. I thought i wouldnt make it home was getting really tired and falling behind my hubby and daughter. I couldnt even walk back up later to watch the fireworks they had but could hear them. Im tired of feeling tired and not feeling well. when ppl ask me how ya doing my usual answer is im tired.
Im taking my thyroid meds like im suppose to and they said my levels are where they want it to be but i still dont have the energy i use to have i hate it. And to think that in a couple months the drs are going to make me "hypo" again to check to see about cancer. i still cant sleep to good at night then im tired all day i have a terrible migraine and neck hurts. And to make me even more stressed while i was using my washer today doing clothes our water pump wouldnt stop running my hubby had to come and shut it off til he got home so we had no water all day and now him and a friend are downstairs figuring out if we need a new one or if its fixable.
Can this year be over with yet?!!?!!????
I still continue to trust the Lord through all this and find my strength in Him, but i know i need to not over do myself and wear me out im just so use to being the superwoman here that does everything inside this house, and hardly ever asked for help from family. I feel like im losing my mind or maybe im overwhelmed i dont know. I cant take the heat anymore i get rashes if i get overheated so i always have to have the AC blowing on me then im cold when its on me so im on the couch with a quilt on me with air blowing on me cuz if i shut it off i get warm and feel like i cant breathe right. well thought id put an update up but too tired to think of what to type. so gonna stop and relax for awhile since my hubby went up to buy a new pump so we can have water again.

I will meditate on Your Word

I saw this picture on facebook and loved it, it really shows someone who reads hes Bible all the time, and always uses it. i only wish i could say i use my Bible just as much. In some places my Bible is falling apart but not bad. The verses I read this morning really goes with this picture.


Your word I have hidden in my heart, That I might not sin against You!    I will meditate on Your precepts, And contemplate Your ways.  I will delight myself in Your statutes; I will not forget Your word. Psalm 119: 11, 15-16 

These are just some of the verses i love in the Bible. In this last week I have been changed, I started to pray again last week and kept up with it and i feel so much better in my faith then i was before in the last few months, when i felt lost and alone. I know I am not alone that God was with me the whole time but i didnt see it. I have fallen and God was there and picked me right back up, and isnt that what parents do to their children, and have them try to get up themselves after they learn a lesson but i know i cant stand without God holding me up. God just waits for us to come to Him and asks for help, cuz He wants us to completely depend on Him. He is so patient to wait for us to call on Him to lift us up and He is always there to lift us. He was patient on me and working in me some lessons He wanted me to learn. I feel my faith has stregthens since all this thyroid cancer, and my physical strength is coming back as well.

I still get tired and weak but i have to know my limits and i have been trying to go on short walks to build my muscles back to where they were before. I still have trouble with tasting still but have been trying to eat better and have been losing weight which i like cuz id like to lose some. I am still stressing about what is gonna happen in Aug-Sept when they check me again to see if i still have cancer and need another treatment or not, but i know i need to trust the Lord cuz He is already there in the future, and He knows what will happen. I just hate the waiting period. Even tho it seems like the last 6 months went by fast cuz i really dont remember those months since my brain was in a fog and when i read back on here what i wrote it makes me sad that i dont remember typing them let alone feeling all the darkness i was in, when i think back to that everything is black to me. The months i have to wait to see if the RAI worked is going very slow for me, all i want is to hear is.... we cant find anymore cancer and so far you are in remission. But i will have to see when that time comes. I still have in my head what my endo doc said to me when i saw her the first time " Dont expect to be cancer free in 6 months" real nice to hear yes i want to be cancer free in 6 months. And im sure she has to go the route of worse case senerio to be safe, but hated to hear that. I can see it I get all my taste back and feel good again just in time for them to say well start ur LID and come for a scan, then to have them tell me u need another RAI and then comes all the sickness i had in march and april, i dont want to go back to feeling like i did in them months it was horrible. But i cant keep thinking about it even tho i know some of that will come and i have to do some of that to see but i need to trust God and He knows whats ahead. I hate being the sick one, im the one in this family who takes care of them who are sick not the one being taken care of. Im use to worrying about my hubby when he had cancer and trying my best to get thru that with him. Now the shoes have been switched and im the one with cancer, and we are going thru that the other went thru before. i dont know how Mark went through my cancer but i remember what i went through with him and wasnt fun at all i was scared everyday he had cancer wondering if i was gonna lose him. Mark wouldnt talk to me about any of the last few months and how he handled all this. I dont know if he ever worried about me when i was in the ER 4xs in a week. I know how Ash took it our daughter i know she was worried and i hate that shell remember her mommy having cancer, with her daddy she was only 2 when he had cancer. well i guess im rambling so i better stop and leave one last verse for today..

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:33-34

Faith like a mustard seed

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-10

So Jesus said to them, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20

In the last few days these verses have hit me and made me think. I have always wished i had faith like a mustard seed, its alot of work to have faith like that even more work when you are going through something that you feel has broke you. That is how I have felt in months since my diagnosis of thyroid cancer. I felt my faith went and hid on me, and that God left me or punished me for something, but I know its a test of my faith and that He never left me He was always there in my weakness, its to make me stronger in my faith, and to find strength in my Lord. One verse i had to chuckle cuz it talks about God has all your hair numbered, but im sure my hair count has gone down quite a bit with all this thyroid stuff........But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Matthew 10:30

I have been feeling alot stronger in the last few weeks i even went on 2 short walks to our local grocery store its about 1/2 mile to and back from there so i walked a mile last week which is alot for me, before i couldnt walk up my stairs without feeling out of breath. I still havent been sleeping to good. I have been eating ok i guess still cant taste foods too well but still eat some. I have been getting out of bed before 10am for the last week, i use to get up at 7 with my hubby and get his lunch around and then have my quiet time with the Lord before Ash would get up. I use to love the mornings i always felt the closest to God in the quietness of the mornings. I have always believed that if you start your day with the Lord first your day will be better and blessed cuz the Lord should be first in our lives and the start of everyday, even before breakfast. And I still believe that way, and I like to get back into doing that... I miss seeing my Mark before he goes to work, and im sure he misses me making his lunches. i havent gotten up with Mark since my first thyroid surgery back in dec 2011.

This morning when I got up, I read my Bible like always did but today was different I felt my heart open up a little and the verses on the very top of here is some of what i read and its like something hit me that when i am at my weakest God is there to give me strength. And today I prayed for the first time in months with the help of one of my favorite authors, Stormie Omartian, and in her book had the mustard seed verse which all kinda goes together. It felt good to pray again and talk with the Lord again it brought me  almost to tears. Now if I can get back into doing this daily and more often, i use to pray many times a day especially when i was worried about Mark driving for his job.

I heard someone said every relationship goes through a "winter" season whether it be a marriage relationship or your relationship with the Lord and i think i have been through a "winter" one with the Lord but feeling now that winter is coming to an end or starting to end and the next season it going to start. I just have to continue on this journey i started back in 2010 and continue walking with the Lord. I had this peace this morning when i read The Word today something i havent had in months.  And there something i learned in the last few months that my husband had been and is praying for me something i never knew he ever did, or cared too it is nice to hear that from him. I have had a hard time believing he loves me or feeling his love and wondered if he cares. I hope he will always pray for me, when i pray i have always prayed for Mark for everything, and that we would be closer as a couple and in the Lord.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Eph. 5:31

Just another day

Well I went to my family dr yesterday to see how my stress test came out, and dr said all came out great. He had me have bloodwk too and said that came out with good numbers too think it was my chlesterol he was worried about too. I asked my family dr who is gonna be replacing him since hes retiring soon. I told him the nurses at the place i had my stress test told me he was retiring soon. He said hes retiring the end of Oct and some "southern gentleman" will be taking his place, and he told me he didnt have the heart to tell me he was retiring in April cuz i was so sick he said. I probably wouldnt remember if he told anyways since i cant really remember from jan to the end of april anyways. he told me too i was very hypothyroid for a long time too, and thats why i cant remember much my brain was in such a fog.
Today 10 yrs ago was my hubbys last cancer surgery so today is my hubbys 10th yr cancer free im so happy he is cancer free. theres just something about this date with my family 10 yrs it started with the hubby, 5 yrs i had my hysterectomy and today our puppy gets spayed well shes almost a yr she will be in july. and its my aunts bday too.
I am still getting tired if i do too much like yesterday was a very busy day my dr appt was for 1045 and i hit 5 stores before i even went there and my BP was high but told him i was way busy before seeing him, and had 3 more stores to go into after i was done there, i went grocery shopping, and had to get my meds i always gets on the first of each month. i came home sore and very tired and worn out. so today gonna take it easy and not do too much but like that i can do more then i could a few months ago. I wish i could sleep at night i probably wouldnt feel so tired if i could sleep all night like i did before all this.
I did make it to church this past sunday i havent gone in prob 6 months, it felt good to sit in church again. but i was very tired during the sermon we didnt stay  for sunday school tho. i gotta keep myself busy like to get back into walking or something for exercise i did lose 6 lbs when they weighed me yesterday last time i was up 4 lbs cuz my mom made me eat when i was at her house for a week trying to get strength, and now down 6lbs which is good bit not good cuz i still dont eat very well food still taste funny only things that taste good is merinated,spicy, or bbqed stuff. and i had thought i gained weight.  i wish my hubby and daughter and i could start walking or my hubby wants is a bike to ride for exercise outside both hubby and i could lose some weight i wish i could see my wedding weight but that prob never happen my dr told me a weight hed like to see me at and it was 30lbs more than i weighed when i got married i was only 19 too when i got married i was young. i wouldnt mind getting to the weight dr wants me at but highly doubt it unless i can get back into walking i know i lose alot of weight then but i had a thyroid too that worked i dont know how losing weight will be with not having a thyroid cuz that controls ur how ur food turns into energy and the ppl i talk to that dont have a thyroid said they have a very hard time losing weight and they take the thyroid meds too. i guess ill have to see how it is for me i know everyone is different in how they lose weight.

Is this really June 1st?!?!?!!!!!

I found this picture on facebook thought it was pretty someone and their daughter who had thyroid cancer made it its thyroid cancer colors and since our thyroids are butterfly shaped is the reason for the pretty butterfly......
This does not feel like June. For one its cold and pouring hard here and where i live we are under a tornado watch ..... oh great! and this is Pa. This weather dont make me feel good at all. It makes my neck hurt bad and have a headache probably from the neck since i was rear-ended feb 2011 i have  herniated disc and bulging disc in my cervical spine. Im just have a full load of health issues. today i had the doors open and no A/C on it was nice and cool. And i have been going between being freezing to hot to the point im sweating. my daughter had her evaluation for homeschool the last date i wrote and it was so hot in Sylvias house i got a bad rash on my arm, ive noticed that when i get extremely hot when i cool down i have a rash on my right arm. Question is does that have anything to do with having Thyroid Cancer? i wonder, cuz it never happened to me before. I have some of my energy back seems like i have been keeping my house cleaner and dishes all up. And have been eating better but only certain foods still like spicy and merinated foods. I see my family doc on monday to see how my stress test came out. I still have trouble sleeping and still cant get up in the morning.
I still have my moments of feeling lost and alone, but i still have ppl telling me they are praying for me which is a comfort. Its almost like my heart hurts and theres no way of making it stop. It feels like i dont have my  heart fully into where i need to be with the Lord, like it was before. its like i cant get my heart back there and have a hard time going to church its been awhile since ive gone, ppl there probably wonder if i feel of the face of the earth. the weather outside is kinda how i feel at the moment but somedays i feel good and happy then it fizzles away. People who are christians tell me to look up to the Lord and lean on Him but i cant get myself there and i dont know why someone asked me if i cried out to Him and i have dozens of times. I still cant get back to where i prayed 3xs a day i cant even do it once. I still do some devotions in the AM but my heart is not in it at all, and i dont do what i use to, i use to read the Bible in a yr and i was doing some devotions 3xs a day too where i went to bed doing some reading and praying. The last time i felt this way was when my hubby and i got some martial counselling back in 08 where i was angry and bitter towards my hubby and my father, and just a week before our pastor started coming down i talked with his wife and let out alot of stuff that i never knew i had in me and felt better that i got it out to a trusted friend, but now i dont know what i have to let out if im angry and i dont know with whom im mad at. and it all started when i was diagnosed with cancer, i was upset that my hubby wasnt there with me when i found out by my surgeon, and his mom was, i know i was afraid and wishing i didnt have to tell my hubby,  i wouldnt have had to if he were with me. and i know thyroid cancer messes with your emotions cuz that one of many things a thyroid controls and much more that i didnt know. i just wonder when this fog will go away and i can get back to where i was before this. But i do know that i will talk to anyone about this cancer i wanna help someone who may be going through this or was diagnosed with this, my hubby doesnt like to talk about cancer since he had it 11 yrs ago and i thought he was the one i could lean on and that would help me out. i still dont know how he is taking all this he dont talk to me. He did let me order from ThyCA a thyroid cancer ribbon pin so i can wear one.
I just want to feel better and not feel tired all the time i hate this, and to think i have to get check in september and see if i need another treatment i hate the waiting period i never did have patience and God know that! i joined a thyroid cancer support group on facebook its so nice to talk with other people who do like to talk about what they are going through i feel like i belong there just not anywhere else. so i guess ill end it here and get ready for bed im tired and hoping i can sleep tonight just waiting for the hubby to get home hes at a buddies house and im here alone for while and our daughter is at gram bakers for a week or so my parents ..... i love lighthouses so i figured id add this to this too i look around my house at the lighthouses a close friend gave me we both like lighthouses she just has alot more than i do and its funny how we get along so well now we are adults and when we went to school we werent at all close and she would be the one id talk to about anything but she lives by my parents which are 2 hrs east from where i live now.... someone asked me recently where my circle of friend support is i said in Montrose where this friend lives i dont think i have anyone here by me who id call as a good friend to talk to..............................