dreading September

I am planning my LID stuff before i start this time, but first im baking goodies for my family and freezing them so they will have goodies when i dont feel like making any. i have been really stressing about this LID this time. i starved last time and didnt expect to be as sick as i was. i wish all i had to do was stop the Synthroid which i will have on sept 5, but i have to do LID i hate it. i have been crying off and on about all this i dont know if its cuz im so nervous about this or if its my thyroid not being there anymore. I have been crying since all this started as well.
i just wish i didnt feel so far away from my hubby and God. i feel so lost, and alone i dont think i ever felt like this. i always had someone around me all my life. i went from my parents home to my home i have with my hubby i was 19 when  we met and married, and i was still living with my parents then.  if someone would have told me then that at 34 i would be diagnosed with thyroid cancer i would think they were crazy, i can see if it were cervical, uterine or ovarian or even breast cuz all the runs in my family even colon. But never thought of thyroid cancer. i forgot everyone has a thyroid, and took for granted what the thyroid does for ur body. it controls so much of our bodies, like emotions , weight, temperature of ur body. I always said when they took some of my brain out that i lost my temp gage but now its worse with no thyroid. My emotions have been way off the charts, i have been crying for no reason sometimes there was a reason but most times its no reason. i still havent been sleeping well. Probably that will change when i become "hypo" i was always sleeping then. But then comes being moody and cranky and mean and probably more crying. i still feel overwhelmed about this all, and dont know who to talk to about this other than talking to people online who has suffered with thyroid cancer. i think they are the only people who understand about it all.
Well i was happy that my daughter had her physical today with her ped dr and he gave her a clean bill of health and has now reached the 5 foot mark.  she was 60 and 3/4s tall today. im glad shes healthy and hope she stays that way. im still thinking how am i gonna teach her homeschool wise when im hype my mind was mud then and she always needs help with her math which she has a online class she watches. guess daddy will have to help some when im hypo. i cant wait til sept is over. i have my scan for the 25th of sept, but i still have a bad feeling about it, and i dont like it cuz its usually right, i want to be wrong.

Here I go Again

Well seen my endo doc and got my schedule for the month of sept for my checkup scan. She told me my insur wont pay for the shot which i could have had instead of the LID but guess i cant cuz stupid insur i have. She did say I can start whenever im ready i said lets go she is letting me wait til after Labor Day but 2 days after that i stop the synthroid and then the following sunday start the LID then labs sept 21 and scan sometime the week of sept 24, and then i should know if i havee to have another RAI. I got an answer for my rashes from being over heated she told me she made me a bit hyperthyroid to help with the cancer not to grow, and that made me to be heat intolerable she said hopefully if i get a negative scan she can put me on a more normal dose. maybe that is why i have be very obsessed with cleaning my house and been a little worried about stuff  i did have a rash on my arm today while i was there her waiting room was so hot. just wish this was all over with. I wish i didnt have to do this again.  but if i get a negative scan it will only be labs to check things out after it but if i need another RAI i will prob go thru this again. if i need another RAI it will be a short time for me to get my daughter to my moms to stay this time. i wont know til after the scan if i need one or not.
   So im gonna be tired and slow soon hopefully wont be as bad as the first time she said it may not be cuz we had to wait so long before so i could have surg again so i was hypo longer then i would be this time. And i got to be better at eating this time around for LID last time i starved cuz i was afraid what to eat, other than tons of bananas.
September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month, and im gonna be busy with my thyroid cancer stuff the whole month. then i see endo doc at the end of Nov. seems like the yr is going so slow for me just want this yr to be gone. im tired of all this tired of being tired and being really hot to really cold. being hot like now is worse than my hot flashes i had before all this. i cant even remember what they felt like but i kno it wasnt to the point of sweating like now . I hope the feeling i have isnt gonna be right cuz i have a feeling i will need another RAI idk why but i feel i will and hopefully this time i will be wrong. not looking forward to sept but guess ill have to idk if ill write on this during that time but might if i need to vent. i looked back at my older post back in feb-may i dont remember typing those but remembered that i felt that way seemed like a lifetime ago and a very dark place for me i still feel like im in a dark place just gray tho. just wish i could see the light at the end of the tunnel but its to far away still if there is an ending to all this just want to throw in the towel and be done with this all.

SIX MONTHS ALREADY!!??!!??!!

Cant believe its been almost 6 months since i had treatment. Tuesday i see my "endo" doc for a checkup, im alittle nervous about it. doc says ill have to do the LID but i dont want to. I'm gonna ask why i cant use the shot everyone with this kind of cancer gets. i dread the LID i dont like it i get weak, sick, hungry, and my mind is all foggy thats not gonna help with me teaching ashley for homeschool. last time i had to ask her how to spell stuff and i still spelled it wrong. I dont remember much of the months of jan- april,and part of may. but i do remember feeling weak and tired all the time and and my arms and legs were aching then and  i hated it. ill have to stop my synthroid as well for 3 weeks or less depending on if i need another treatment. it still runs in my head what the doc said dont expect to be cancer free in 6 months so its like she already told me im gonna need another RAI and be isolated AGAIN. im as nervous about going tues as i am when Mark goes to see his oncologist every year for his checkups. I dont know if i can do this again i really dont think i can it was so hard the first time sometimes i thought id die then cuz i felt so bad. and i cant shake this feeling i have that everything is going to end that i dont have the time to do the things i shouldve years ago. Or like im going to lose everything like  hubby and daughter . I cant seem to find my faith i use to have not just in believing Jesus Christ and God but my marriage as well that it wont  survive all of this. i still feel like im abandoned and lost. i still wish hubby would tell me how he taking all this cancer and stuff but he always keeps things to himself then my mind goes racing does he even care how i feel about this i feel discouraged i dont want to go to church anymore like i shut right down and if i did go i wouldnt be going cuz i want to and probably zone out and not listen to anything. think it was Easter the last time i went to church and i didnt want to be there at all. i use to love going to church but now i dont know. i dont have anyone i can talk to about this, the person i really want to talk to about this and how he  feel about it, wont talk to about it, and that is my best friend and partner in life. hes the only one i want to talk to, being that he had cancer too thought hed be understanding to all this he always made me talk when he had cancer even when i didnt know what to say sometimes all i could do was cry, and say I Love You, and ill always be there for you, and of course you better fight this cancer or ill be upset that we need you and you cant give up. but i guess he thinks im strong that i dont need to hear that stuff but im not part of me just dont want to go and do this yet again like i want to quit, and give up. i dont want to have my heart racing and BP going very low, feeling so weak that everytime i stand up i feel like im going to passout and get dizzy,  and not have taste again im just starting to get it back but things still seem bland to me like now i want to eat more salt i wasnt the type that loves salt but now i feel i need it. hubby wants me back to normal but i dont know what that is anymore just like when he had cancer we had to find a new normal. my normal was i was always hot all the time now i get hot then cold then hot if i dont have some air blowing on me i feel like i cant breathe, and hubby doesnt understand i know he tries to keep the electric down it still upset him when im sitting here with the AC on me with a blanket on its cuz my body gets cold but my face needs the air on me and i try to keep it a little cooler then it is outside or if its cool outside try to keep it at that temp so the fan part is running not AC this house is so stuffy that it doesnt get the air inside even when the wind is blowing outside. sometimes i feel the walls are going to come down on me. and i dont know why maybe i need a punching bag with the words thyroid cancer on it so i can beat it up and get everything out of my system.

finding what i use to love, again through thyroid cancer

Sunday night hubby to me and our daughter fishing. I use to love to fish, its the one hobby hubby and I like together, and this yr for my bday he bought me my fishing license.  Sunday at first i had an anxiety attack cuz i was scared id get sick like i always do when its warm out, and that i never get out of this house to much anymore. When i got there and started to fish it wasnt so hot when the wind blew. We actually had a great family time and i forgot how much i loved to fishing. I did get tired and dizzy that  night. We are going fishing tonight after the hubby gets home we both cant wait my daughter and i that is, and its less humid today so it wouldnt be bad for me outside.
I also forgot how much i loved to bake things from scratch like bread, and goodies. I have been baking up a storm lately and loving it, baking was my passion when i was younger when i lived at home with the parents my sister loved to cook and hated baking i hated cooking n loved to bake so my mom had it made with us girls. And now i havent bought any bread only to use as stuffing i have been baking bread every other day or so i have a bread maker but i only use it to make the dough not cook it cuz it makes it to small in there i get it out and bake it in my oven. This month when i went grocery shopping i didnt buy any cake mixes or brownie mixes i plan on getting back into the groove of making things  from scratch again. And get my taste buds liking those again got so use to making boxed stuff and eating it that i am tired of the taste. And plus this yr for homeschooling i want to teach the daughter how to bake and cook from scratch, even bread. My husband seems to like homemade bread better than bought bread and homemade goodies too his mom always makes things from scratch. And i did love making things from scratch and just forgot that i use to love it. So i have been going crazy buying all the ingredients for stuff and sprinkles and decorating stuff for the goodies. in the last month i made so much goodies from scratch and all were loved by my family especially the peanut butter fudge i made which was easy i found online, i cant do to much mixing or kneading since my shoulder is in alot of pain even what i do still hurts the shoulder.  And the recipe i found for the fudge was really easy there was no beating it for a half hr it was poured on some 10x sugar and within a min it was ready to cool.
I nervous about this month cuz on the 21st i have a checkup with the endo doc and have to go thru all that i did to see if i need another treatment the LID is what makes me nervous i hated it the first time around i hardly ate i was afraid what to eat and afraid i was doing it wrong which i guess i didnt cuz i was ready for the scan before the 2 wks was up and had treatment before the 2 wks was up. I guess one thing that thyroid cancer has taught me was to find my passion again when i lost it yrs ago doing the things i use to love doing like baking and fishing. Even tho in my mind i feel scared yet feeling like time is not on my side and i feel like im losing time even tho i may have 50 more yrs on this earth but i may not so again thyroid cancer taught me to take time with my family whom i love make sure that they know i love them cuz tomorrow is not promised and i feel i wasted all this time before not doing the things i love and i cant get that back but i can use the time i have left to do the things i love. i cant explain exactly what im feeling im just scared most of the time thinking that i will die from cancer now that i have it and havent yet heard if im free of it or not. and i just cant get it across my mind that i was 34 when i was diagnosed with cancer. Guess u can say i have been doing alot of soul searching lately, im still having trouble with my spiritual relationship having a hard time praying cuz im not sure what to say anymore i havent gone to church in months and i dont really feel like going to church which scares me cuz i have always gone to church since i was 4 yrs old. i will be God's child 30 yrs in september i was 5. i know im going thru a war but i feel like im losing the fight i feel so far away from everything and everyone. and i dont know what to do dont feel like i could talk to anyone about this cuz they may not understand if they never had cancer before i thought my husband would uncerstand but he dont even tho he had cancer too. i feel so lost still. i talk to my doc about the rashes and feeling of sick when im in the heat they dont care about it just tell me to relax and stay out of the sun, well its like my mom said well doc it hurts here and doc says well dont do that anymore, ummmmm......... so does that mean well if the sun hurts u dont go outside sometimes i wonder if i need to find another endo doc or find someone else that may just deals with thyroid cancer but where i am there is only 2 endo docs which are in the same place working together. i wish i could find a doc that only specializes in thyroid cancer sometimes i wonder if an endo doc knows what they are doing.