Sunday night hubby to me and our daughter fishing. I use to love to fish, its the one hobby hubby and I like together, and this yr for my bday he bought me my fishing license. Sunday at first i had an anxiety attack cuz i was scared id get sick like i always do when its warm out, and that i never get out of this house to much anymore. When i got there and started to fish it wasnt so hot when the wind blew. We actually had a great family time and i forgot how much i loved to fishing. I did get tired and dizzy that night. We are going fishing tonight after the hubby gets home we both cant wait my daughter and i that is, and its less humid today so it wouldnt be bad for me outside.
I also forgot how much i loved to bake things from scratch like bread, and goodies. I have been baking up a storm lately and loving it, baking was my passion when i was younger when i lived at home with the parents my sister loved to cook and hated baking i hated cooking n loved to bake so my mom had it made with us girls. And now i havent bought any bread only to use as stuffing i have been baking bread every other day or so i have a bread maker but i only use it to make the dough not cook it cuz it makes it to small in there i get it out and bake it in my oven. This month when i went grocery shopping i didnt buy any cake mixes or brownie mixes i plan on getting back into the groove of making things from scratch again. And get my taste buds liking those again got so use to making boxed stuff and eating it that i am tired of the taste. And plus this yr for homeschooling i want to teach the daughter how to bake and cook from scratch, even bread. My husband seems to like homemade bread better than bought bread and homemade goodies too his mom always makes things from scratch. And i did love making things from scratch and just forgot that i use to love it. So i have been going crazy buying all the ingredients for stuff and sprinkles and decorating stuff for the goodies. in the last month i made so much goodies from scratch and all were loved by my family especially the peanut butter fudge i made which was easy i found online, i cant do to much mixing or kneading since my shoulder is in alot of pain even what i do still hurts the shoulder. And the recipe i found for the fudge was really easy there was no beating it for a half hr it was poured on some 10x sugar and within a min it was ready to cool.
I nervous about this month cuz on the 21st i have a checkup with the endo doc and have to go thru all that i did to see if i need another treatment the LID is what makes me nervous i hated it the first time around i hardly ate i was afraid what to eat and afraid i was doing it wrong which i guess i didnt cuz i was ready for the scan before the 2 wks was up and had treatment before the 2 wks was up. I guess one thing that thyroid cancer has taught me was to find my passion again when i lost it yrs ago doing the things i use to love doing like baking and fishing. Even tho in my mind i feel scared yet feeling like time is not on my side and i feel like im losing time even tho i may have 50 more yrs on this earth but i may not so again thyroid cancer taught me to take time with my family whom i love make sure that they know i love them cuz tomorrow is not promised and i feel i wasted all this time before not doing the things i love and i cant get that back but i can use the time i have left to do the things i love. i cant explain exactly what im feeling im just scared most of the time thinking that i will die from cancer now that i have it and havent yet heard if im free of it or not. and i just cant get it across my mind that i was 34 when i was diagnosed with cancer. Guess u can say i have been doing alot of soul searching lately, im still having trouble with my spiritual relationship having a hard time praying cuz im not sure what to say anymore i havent gone to church in months and i dont really feel like going to church which scares me cuz i have always gone to church since i was 4 yrs old. i will be God's child 30 yrs in september i was 5. i know im going thru a war but i feel like im losing the fight i feel so far away from everything and everyone. and i dont know what to do dont feel like i could talk to anyone about this cuz they may not understand if they never had cancer before i thought my husband would uncerstand but he dont even tho he had cancer too. i feel so lost still. i talk to my doc about the rashes and feeling of sick when im in the heat they dont care about it just tell me to relax and stay out of the sun, well its like my mom said well doc it hurts here and doc says well dont do that anymore, ummmmm......... so does that mean well if the sun hurts u dont go outside sometimes i wonder if i need to find another endo doc or find someone else that may just deals with thyroid cancer but where i am there is only 2 endo docs which are in the same place working together. i wish i could find a doc that only specializes in thyroid cancer sometimes i wonder if an endo doc knows what they are doing.
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