The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him. Psalm 28:7
I went to see my endocrinologist yesterday. to talk about my LID that i will be starting sunday, and got answers to some questions i had for it. she went to check my reflexes in my arm and my fingers only moved a little and dr said i guess ur hypothyroid cuz i had no relflexes at all and i have good reflexes. And of course with this i have gained weight which i hate but cant be helped cuz the thyroid is what helps you to maintain ur weight. she asked me if im fatigue and i said YES! told all i want to do is sleep, and my poor house is paying the price cuz i just dont feel like cleaning, and half the time dont want to even get out of bed. and its gonna get worse ......oh brother! ...... i have to see a nuclear dr for my scans and RAI...so the schedule is for 2 weeks im on the LID then 3 days before i have my prescan i have to have bloodwork to make sure im hypothyroid enough for the treatment then i have a dose of RAI for the scan, then 3 days later or so is my actual RAI, after they find out how much they have to give me thats what the prescan is for. then sometime after the RAI ill have to have another scan a post scan then i will be put on my thyroid replacement pill. I hope that when i start the replacement that i will feel better i just cant believe how tired im getting, and how low i feel right now..... and maybe be able to lose some weight. then i guess in 6 months ill get checked to see if the RAI took all the cancer out if not probably have to have another dose of it.
people think that this would be an easy cancer fight HA ya right i still get the symtoms as someone gets when they have chemo or radiation just not losing my hair or throwing up. but the emotional and metal part of me is draining even physcally my body feel weak and tired and i have even had anything yet just being a hypothyroid makes u feel this way... i dont think people even know how important your thyroid is to ur body. it controls ur weight, matabolism, and it even controls ur emotional and metal thinking and controls how tired u get you get energy from ur thyroid cuz it helps the foods u eat and changes to energy. and im not sure if i did anything to my shoulder which still pains me seems like the dr seemed concerned when i said my shoulder is killing me. just seems i have no strength at all in my shoulder and in my body just feel so drained out like i ran a marathon havent been getting much sleep keep waking up and having to run to the bathroom which i hate in the middle of the night but i do get back to sleep..
i know the Lord will give me the strength i need to get thru this it says in His Word......
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14
The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
and it starts
tomorrow i go see my endocrinologist. to see about starting my diet for my RAI treatment. I wish this was all over with. makes me nervous to start this diet (LID) im afraid ill do something wrong. my mom is coming over to watch Ashley tomorrow while we go (Mark and i) after Mark gets off of work, he wants to go and ask some questions. i hate the fact i have cancer but i guess i cant do nothing about it. Just keep trusting the Lord during the storm. ill be on this LID for my bday which wont be fun cuz i cant eat what i want on my bday and then if i figure right ill be getting the I-131 on Mark's bday... but at least ill be able to get back to eating after the treatment. i was afraid i wouldnt be eating my Easter dinner in April. i heard and read that i will be getting weak in the second week of the diet so i figure after i go grocery shopping saturday ill make things ahead for me to freeze so all i will do is get it out of the freezer and eat, if i feel like eating then ill probably be sick of the food by then....
my walk with the Lord is i think shaking still but everyone goes through it i guess. i feel im in a dark area in my life and its scary and i feel alone, and no one understands it. i thought my husband would since he had cancer but guess not. I love him very much and im blessed God gave me him and Ashley.
i think i over did today on my shoulder which still hurts. I just had to clean my kitchen up and arrange things around neatly. now im in alot of pain again and its getting tiring to have pain which is going up my neck into my head and giving me a migraine.
I have found some verses in my daily reading that i have noticed that is what i needed for that day and i know the Lord is the one who is giving it to me. He knows what and when i need them to keep me reminded He is there when i feel no one else is. the one i read today is
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
this blog has been helping me get my feelings out and helps me to deal with things in my life right now. i feel at peace when i type it all out since i feel i cant talk about it to a certain someone in my life even tho i should feel i can. and that i have been reading my bible still even tho i feel like i want to quit reading it but i know i need to read everyday and not like the devil get me down... cuz all those feelings are the devil telling me not to that God wont listen to ur prayers i know He does and wants me to pray but right now i dont know how or what to say in my prayers right now i feel lost. in a few weeks i will be completely alone since i cant be around no one when i get my treatment. i hate staying alone in this house, especially at night. well i guess ill get off here and hopefully get some sleep tonight i havent been sleeping well with all the pain im in that no one seems to care about....
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy1:7
my walk with the Lord is i think shaking still but everyone goes through it i guess. i feel im in a dark area in my life and its scary and i feel alone, and no one understands it. i thought my husband would since he had cancer but guess not. I love him very much and im blessed God gave me him and Ashley.
i think i over did today on my shoulder which still hurts. I just had to clean my kitchen up and arrange things around neatly. now im in alot of pain again and its getting tiring to have pain which is going up my neck into my head and giving me a migraine.
I have found some verses in my daily reading that i have noticed that is what i needed for that day and i know the Lord is the one who is giving it to me. He knows what and when i need them to keep me reminded He is there when i feel no one else is. the one i read today is
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
this blog has been helping me get my feelings out and helps me to deal with things in my life right now. i feel at peace when i type it all out since i feel i cant talk about it to a certain someone in my life even tho i should feel i can. and that i have been reading my bible still even tho i feel like i want to quit reading it but i know i need to read everyday and not like the devil get me down... cuz all those feelings are the devil telling me not to that God wont listen to ur prayers i know He does and wants me to pray but right now i dont know how or what to say in my prayers right now i feel lost. in a few weeks i will be completely alone since i cant be around no one when i get my treatment. i hate staying alone in this house, especially at night. well i guess ill get off here and hopefully get some sleep tonight i havent been sleeping well with all the pain im in that no one seems to care about....
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy1:7
Sunday, February 26, 2012
But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; We have turned, every one, to his own way; And the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. Isaiah 53: 5-6
Today im not feeling well for some reason my shoulder is killing me, its almost like i cant lift anything with it like its weak, and it happens to be my right arm which use to be my strongest arm and i write with it. i dont think its from my accident from last feb, cuz its a different kind of pain, i just want to cut it off, and my neck hurt in the back where the bulging/ herniated discs are from my accident someone just had to rear-end me last feb 2011 and then split before i could get their info. and with all this i have a migraine too.
Tuesday i go see my endocrinologist and ask her questions about my LID for my I-131, and then start that my incision still hurts at times like a buring feeling. Lately i have been feeling cold which is unual for me cuz im ALWAYS hot since my hysterectomy in 07. Seems like i cant get warm i know its cold outside but still i was always warm enough. My skin is starting to dry out, which is part of the hypothyroid, along with feeling cold. well thought id write something small on here . now getting off and start my family's lunch and try to get warm and relax for the day and pray i feel better later.
Today im not feeling well for some reason my shoulder is killing me, its almost like i cant lift anything with it like its weak, and it happens to be my right arm which use to be my strongest arm and i write with it. i dont think its from my accident from last feb, cuz its a different kind of pain, i just want to cut it off, and my neck hurt in the back where the bulging/ herniated discs are from my accident someone just had to rear-end me last feb 2011 and then split before i could get their info. and with all this i have a migraine too.
Tuesday i go see my endocrinologist and ask her questions about my LID for my I-131, and then start that my incision still hurts at times like a buring feeling. Lately i have been feeling cold which is unual for me cuz im ALWAYS hot since my hysterectomy in 07. Seems like i cant get warm i know its cold outside but still i was always warm enough. My skin is starting to dry out, which is part of the hypothyroid, along with feeling cold. well thought id write something small on here . now getting off and start my family's lunch and try to get warm and relax for the day and pray i feel better later.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34: 17-18
If i didnt know better by looking out my window, id think its warm outside. if it was May it probably be warm out. The sun is out and its beautiful. I have been reading that "Cancer Bible" I was talking about in an earlier blog. I have enjoyed reading the "healing" section, and it has helped me see the Lord's love and feel His presence. The verse on top is from today's reading. And its been helping not to be angry at Mark for not wanting to talk to me about cancer, hes the type that doesnt want to talk about stuff like that and im the type that needs too, i guess to see if he is worried about me or scared, or even a bit concerned about me and what im about to go through. To see if he is supportive cuz it sure dont feel like he is. I just feel I am alone in this that I will have to fight this alone without his support. But I know I have the Lord by me even tho at times I dont feel like but I do believe what His Word says...
Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13: 5.....
I love Mark, but i always wondered if he really loves me, he says he does but his actions dont show it. we have been married 15 yrs this past novemeber, and a 12 yr old daughter which i homeschool..... i feel like we are growing apart and it scares me. And it seemed like when i said " Mark I have thyroid cancer" we seemed to be farther apart then before. but i guess i need to trust the Lord in this area as well and pray the Lord will work in Mark's heart. We are both born again believers in Christ Mark is a pastor's kid. Mark is also a very negative person as well, he thinks im the insecure one but he is one too about his health he worries about hes health all the time so thats why i wonder if he even worries about my health. He dont act like he likes himself so much thats where i wonder if he loves me in the bible its says......
So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. Eph 5:28.....
the way i see it is if he doesnt love himself how then can he love me? I use to be optimistic but lately i feel like im drowning in the cup half full feeling. I dont know if its cuz with getting hypothyroid that it is messing with my thinking and the way i feel about things. Or if its Mark pulling me down in his cup half empty he is a pestimist or how ever you spell it. he always thinks the worse out of everything before it ever happeneds or even if it doesnt happened. I dont see why you have to waste you time worry about stuff that may never happen. We are suppose to trust God not question what He is doing in our lives, or question when God will meet our needs. I have seen so many times where the Lord has met our needs but Mark is blind by it, he thinks everyone is out to get him and it drives me crazy, i guess all i can do is pray for my husband to trust the Lord more than he does. when i think of him worrying i think of several verses .......
Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? "Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? "So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; "and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. "Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' "For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:25-34 ... some of the sermon on the Mount.......
and i thought i was the one that should worry right now but since im so use to being the strong one in our relationship i dont know how but i dont have the strength to be the strong one anymore and think Mark should be the strong one right now. its like he doesnt want me to feel weak but strong so that he doesnt have to be. all it is doing is making me angry and resent him. ... well better get off here and get some lunch hope everyone who reads this has a great day.
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
If i didnt know better by looking out my window, id think its warm outside. if it was May it probably be warm out. The sun is out and its beautiful. I have been reading that "Cancer Bible" I was talking about in an earlier blog. I have enjoyed reading the "healing" section, and it has helped me see the Lord's love and feel His presence. The verse on top is from today's reading. And its been helping not to be angry at Mark for not wanting to talk to me about cancer, hes the type that doesnt want to talk about stuff like that and im the type that needs too, i guess to see if he is worried about me or scared, or even a bit concerned about me and what im about to go through. To see if he is supportive cuz it sure dont feel like he is. I just feel I am alone in this that I will have to fight this alone without his support. But I know I have the Lord by me even tho at times I dont feel like but I do believe what His Word says...
Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13: 5.....
I love Mark, but i always wondered if he really loves me, he says he does but his actions dont show it. we have been married 15 yrs this past novemeber, and a 12 yr old daughter which i homeschool..... i feel like we are growing apart and it scares me. And it seemed like when i said " Mark I have thyroid cancer" we seemed to be farther apart then before. but i guess i need to trust the Lord in this area as well and pray the Lord will work in Mark's heart. We are both born again believers in Christ Mark is a pastor's kid. Mark is also a very negative person as well, he thinks im the insecure one but he is one too about his health he worries about hes health all the time so thats why i wonder if he even worries about my health. He dont act like he likes himself so much thats where i wonder if he loves me in the bible its says......
So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. Eph 5:28.....
the way i see it is if he doesnt love himself how then can he love me? I use to be optimistic but lately i feel like im drowning in the cup half full feeling. I dont know if its cuz with getting hypothyroid that it is messing with my thinking and the way i feel about things. Or if its Mark pulling me down in his cup half empty he is a pestimist or how ever you spell it. he always thinks the worse out of everything before it ever happeneds or even if it doesnt happened. I dont see why you have to waste you time worry about stuff that may never happen. We are suppose to trust God not question what He is doing in our lives, or question when God will meet our needs. I have seen so many times where the Lord has met our needs but Mark is blind by it, he thinks everyone is out to get him and it drives me crazy, i guess all i can do is pray for my husband to trust the Lord more than he does. when i think of him worrying i think of several verses .......
Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? "Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? "So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; "and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. "Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' "For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:25-34 ... some of the sermon on the Mount.......
and i thought i was the one that should worry right now but since im so use to being the strong one in our relationship i dont know how but i dont have the strength to be the strong one anymore and think Mark should be the strong one right now. its like he doesnt want me to feel weak but strong so that he doesnt have to be. all it is doing is making me angry and resent him. ... well better get off here and get some lunch hope everyone who reads this has a great day.
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
Today i have a few hours to myself. my mother-in-law came and took Ashley to her piano lesson, since i cant drive yet. cant turn my head all the way to see who coming, and i dont feel good anyways. i have a bad migraine so im taking a little time to rest and try to relieve it. i havent even felt like homeschooling Ashley but i have to. i guess what i feel has something to do with being hypothyroid..... Mom even brought dinner for us too ..... turkey and stuffing nom nom.... im glad she did cuz i dont feel like cooking dinner .......its a nice sunny day here but cold, makes me think God wants me to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel that i cant see yet. All i can see up ahead is seeing my endo doc next tues and starting this L.I.D. for 2 weeks, my husband ordered me a cookbook for the low iodine diet (LID) last night online so i can look at it rather than online all the time, then after that i get my prescan, then I-131 (RAI= radioactive iodine) that will be mid march...
i hate to think how tired im going to be during the LID if im feeling tired, and not feeling like doing anything but sleep now. if i get my cookbook before i start diet i may do what they said i should is to make stuff ahead and freeze so i dont have to later when im really tired, but would have to go grocery shopping. so glad that God provided us with some beef a friend that use to go to our church offer to us since they were getting another yrs worth of beef for themselves and didnt want what they ahd to go to waste, i wont have to buy beef for serveral months, and makes room in my food budget to buy "special" foods for me. Im glad i know how to cook from scratch not too many ppl these days do. i have to have everything made from stratch since i cant have iodine that means i have to have non-iodized salt in my foods, and how much food these days in the store is not made from salt? what a way to lose weight not the way i wanted to tho. after my treatment ill be on the thyroid replacement pill so hoping that will help me out with my energy and weight, i do need to lose some weight but i dont want to lose it from LID.
i wonder if i woulda been on the thyroid pill anyways cuz my surgeon said that if they didnt take out the right side and tumor my thyroid wouldve stopped working completely, then they had to open me up to take left side after they found out it was cancer.
i hate feeling like im a burden to my family having cancer. Mark doesnt know what to think or feel, he just wants to fix it,which he knows he cant hes trying to find out how i got thyroid cancer and get rid of it he saw a website that said if filtered water has this certain word in the testing thats how i got it. i get my water from my moms house since i wouldnt even drink our own yuck.... and my mom is like they should be seeing u sooner then they are. i guess people handle it differently than others. i feel like my life is on pause cuz i have pain from the back of my neck from bulging/herniated discs from being rear-ended last feb anf drs wont do anything for that til i get this thyroid cancer straighten out first.
i just keep reminding myself God is in control, He knows whats ahead and i need to trust in Him....... here is a picture of something i love and makes me know God is my lighthouse guiding me where i need to be......
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7
Today i have a few hours to myself. my mother-in-law came and took Ashley to her piano lesson, since i cant drive yet. cant turn my head all the way to see who coming, and i dont feel good anyways. i have a bad migraine so im taking a little time to rest and try to relieve it. i havent even felt like homeschooling Ashley but i have to. i guess what i feel has something to do with being hypothyroid..... Mom even brought dinner for us too ..... turkey and stuffing nom nom.... im glad she did cuz i dont feel like cooking dinner .......its a nice sunny day here but cold, makes me think God wants me to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel that i cant see yet. All i can see up ahead is seeing my endo doc next tues and starting this L.I.D. for 2 weeks, my husband ordered me a cookbook for the low iodine diet (LID) last night online so i can look at it rather than online all the time, then after that i get my prescan, then I-131 (RAI= radioactive iodine) that will be mid march...
i hate to think how tired im going to be during the LID if im feeling tired, and not feeling like doing anything but sleep now. if i get my cookbook before i start diet i may do what they said i should is to make stuff ahead and freeze so i dont have to later when im really tired, but would have to go grocery shopping. so glad that God provided us with some beef a friend that use to go to our church offer to us since they were getting another yrs worth of beef for themselves and didnt want what they ahd to go to waste, i wont have to buy beef for serveral months, and makes room in my food budget to buy "special" foods for me. Im glad i know how to cook from scratch not too many ppl these days do. i have to have everything made from stratch since i cant have iodine that means i have to have non-iodized salt in my foods, and how much food these days in the store is not made from salt? what a way to lose weight not the way i wanted to tho. after my treatment ill be on the thyroid replacement pill so hoping that will help me out with my energy and weight, i do need to lose some weight but i dont want to lose it from LID.
i wonder if i woulda been on the thyroid pill anyways cuz my surgeon said that if they didnt take out the right side and tumor my thyroid wouldve stopped working completely, then they had to open me up to take left side after they found out it was cancer.
i hate feeling like im a burden to my family having cancer. Mark doesnt know what to think or feel, he just wants to fix it,which he knows he cant hes trying to find out how i got thyroid cancer and get rid of it he saw a website that said if filtered water has this certain word in the testing thats how i got it. i get my water from my moms house since i wouldnt even drink our own yuck.... and my mom is like they should be seeing u sooner then they are. i guess people handle it differently than others. i feel like my life is on pause cuz i have pain from the back of my neck from bulging/herniated discs from being rear-ended last feb anf drs wont do anything for that til i get this thyroid cancer straighten out first.
i just keep reminding myself God is in control, He knows whats ahead and i need to trust in Him....... here is a picture of something i love and makes me know God is my lighthouse guiding me where i need to be......
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
the Cancer Bible
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Heb. 4:12
I have this Bible i bought back in 2010, before i knew i would be diagnosed with cancer, it seems strange to me that i would buy a cancer bible before i would get cancer but maybe God had a plan. its a Women of Faith Devotional Bible "pink edition" its a breast cancer bible they made but it also talks about different cancers and they have devotionals on women who had cancer. I found one woman in there who had thyroid cancer and then breast cancer.
I was looking around through my books and forgot i bought it. Now i find myself reading the little devotionals in there each day, the bible verse i put first here was what i read in the healing section..... they have 366 day devotions and parted out in 12 sections like months, but its a love selection, healing, hope, grace, etc.....
Lately within the last few months feel lost and alone, even with reading my bible since the beginning of 2010 and been reading it since, even tho i just dont feel like reading it, i feel discouraged. But reading all these womens stories of trials and heartache they still found strength in the Lord. i know we all go through tough times and testing, but i feel very overwhelmed by all this and afraid im losing faith, i just feel im in this dark place in my life and cant find my way out. i told my husband that and his response was what do you mean? like he dont get it why wouldnt he get that he said the same thing to me 11 yrs ago when he had cancer.
i have a best friend ive know for 30 yrs her dad lead me to the Lord when i was 5 yrs old. Last yr she told me she envied my faith in God with all i had to deal with my whole life. i wonder how she would feel if she knew that i feel my faith is slipping away, and im not sure what to feel anymore. that i cant feel God's presence right now through this, even tho i know God promises to never leave me or forsake me. "All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out. John 6:37 ( 1 of marks favs)
Last year my mother-in-law gave me this book to read and it was a great book, and i feel im living in this book, its called "Hind's Feet on High Places" its one of those allegory book. ive been thinking of that book alot lately. i fully understand that book and what its suppose to teach you.
there are days where i cant pray, i dont know why i feel like something is holding me back, and i know right now is the time i need to pray. i dont know what to say when i pray, like im being punished for something or God dont want to hear from me i dont know. i just take it day by day sometimes moment by moment. i thought maybe if i write on here that it would help me cuz i feel i cant talk to anyone about this, not even my husband. he always acts like he dont want to talk about anything about cancer. like he wants to forget i have thyroid cancer and all i want to do is talk about it. i dont know how he is even taking all this its almost as if hes being insensitive to me about all this. this may not be a cancer that would kill you but u can die from any cancer just determines on what kind you get. Mark had testicular cancer in 2001 and it was the curable kind and mine is the curable kind as well and we are both getting different treatments he had chemo, im getting I-131 aka radioactive iodine. but its still cancer and i dont want it. if mine ever recurs in a different place it could be in my lungs or bones and i saw somewhere in the breast.
just because i have the cancer that is treatable doesnt mean that it doesnt scare me just as bad ITS CANCER! i know i need to trust the Lord and know He is in control of all this but its hard.
heres a verse my husband would always repeat when he went through cancer it is one of his favorites so maybe itll become mine.....
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'
I have this Bible i bought back in 2010, before i knew i would be diagnosed with cancer, it seems strange to me that i would buy a cancer bible before i would get cancer but maybe God had a plan. its a Women of Faith Devotional Bible "pink edition" its a breast cancer bible they made but it also talks about different cancers and they have devotionals on women who had cancer. I found one woman in there who had thyroid cancer and then breast cancer.
I was looking around through my books and forgot i bought it. Now i find myself reading the little devotionals in there each day, the bible verse i put first here was what i read in the healing section..... they have 366 day devotions and parted out in 12 sections like months, but its a love selection, healing, hope, grace, etc.....
Lately within the last few months feel lost and alone, even with reading my bible since the beginning of 2010 and been reading it since, even tho i just dont feel like reading it, i feel discouraged. But reading all these womens stories of trials and heartache they still found strength in the Lord. i know we all go through tough times and testing, but i feel very overwhelmed by all this and afraid im losing faith, i just feel im in this dark place in my life and cant find my way out. i told my husband that and his response was what do you mean? like he dont get it why wouldnt he get that he said the same thing to me 11 yrs ago when he had cancer.
i have a best friend ive know for 30 yrs her dad lead me to the Lord when i was 5 yrs old. Last yr she told me she envied my faith in God with all i had to deal with my whole life. i wonder how she would feel if she knew that i feel my faith is slipping away, and im not sure what to feel anymore. that i cant feel God's presence right now through this, even tho i know God promises to never leave me or forsake me. "All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out. John 6:37 ( 1 of marks favs)
Last year my mother-in-law gave me this book to read and it was a great book, and i feel im living in this book, its called "Hind's Feet on High Places" its one of those allegory book. ive been thinking of that book alot lately. i fully understand that book and what its suppose to teach you.
there are days where i cant pray, i dont know why i feel like something is holding me back, and i know right now is the time i need to pray. i dont know what to say when i pray, like im being punished for something or God dont want to hear from me i dont know. i just take it day by day sometimes moment by moment. i thought maybe if i write on here that it would help me cuz i feel i cant talk to anyone about this, not even my husband. he always acts like he dont want to talk about anything about cancer. like he wants to forget i have thyroid cancer and all i want to do is talk about it. i dont know how he is even taking all this its almost as if hes being insensitive to me about all this. this may not be a cancer that would kill you but u can die from any cancer just determines on what kind you get. Mark had testicular cancer in 2001 and it was the curable kind and mine is the curable kind as well and we are both getting different treatments he had chemo, im getting I-131 aka radioactive iodine. but its still cancer and i dont want it. if mine ever recurs in a different place it could be in my lungs or bones and i saw somewhere in the breast.
just because i have the cancer that is treatable doesnt mean that it doesnt scare me just as bad ITS CANCER! i know i need to trust the Lord and know He is in control of all this but its hard.
heres a verse my husband would always repeat when he went through cancer it is one of his favorites so maybe itll become mine.....
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'
Monday, February 20, 2012
Trusting God through Thyroid Cancer
I should write in this more. I keep forgetting about that I have this, a place where I can just type what is in my heart and mind. Alot has happened since i last wrote on here. But i am still working on my relationship with the Lord, but there have been some times where i have felt alone. Last May my hubby and i both lost our last grandparent mark was is gramma locklin (moms mom) and i lost my paternal grampa 5 days later, i was over with my family caring for my gramp til his death.
then the rest of 2011 was doing ok til october 4th when i went to my family doctor for a physical, and while he was checking my neck, he found a lump on my thyroid. So he sent me for bloodwork to check my thyroid numbers out, and they were normal. Then it was to a ultra sound, and found out i do have a nodule one my right thyroid at about 1.5 cm. Then in Nov 3-4 i went for an iodine uptake test which showed my nodule was a "cold nodule" at 2.5cm, which is something you dont want. So my dr sent me to a general/cancer surgeon to have it taken out.
So on Dec.22 2011, i have my first thyroid surgery to have my right side taken out with the tumor. On Jan 3rd 2012 i went to see my surgeon for post-op, and she said the words that i dreaded ...... You have papillary cancer of the thyroid and tumor was 3.4 cm but one dr said 4.5cm so who knows, i just know they told me i have stageII cancer. then it was off to see an endocrinolgist and she sent me back into surgery to have left taken out which was on feb2. Now im healing again this time was worse than the first course i have 2 surgeries in 6 weeks of each other. i see the endo dr on the 28th to start to prepare for this "low iodine diet" i have to be on for 10 days or 2 weeks i dont remember. then i have to have a prescan( another uptake scan but of my whole body) to check if the cancer spread to other parts of my body. the prescan will help tell my dr how much of the radioactive iodine i will need to have to kill whats left of my thyroid and cancer, then another scan 10 days after the treatment. dr said ill have to have a bunch of checkups and possibly more RAI or what they call it I-131, in 6 months. I will have to be on a thyroid replacement pill for the rest of my life. And dr said dont expect to be cancer free in 6 months that it usually takes a few doses of the I-131 to kill it, but can recur in the next few yrs.
this all has been hard on me and my family. we didnt expect this cuz at my first surgery, surgeon said it looked benign but when the 2 pathologies came back the same papillary cancer then i was shocked and so was my husband.
its hard on Mark cuz he knows what it is like having cancer he had cancer back in 2001 we were only married 4 yrs then and had an almost 2 yr old when he found out.
With all of this now, im finding it hard to trust the Lord im trying not to be that person who asks "why me" but God is in control and i know i am in HIS hands. i feel weak, afraid, my heart is full of fear. im only gonna be 35 in march, and a almost 13 yr old homeschooled daughter,im a busy stay-at-home wife/mother, and i have cancer. i may not get the same kind of therapy most people get for cancer but it is still the big "C" word and every cancer has its own treatment. with this treatment i cant be around people or my family cuz i could hurt them so im gonna have to stay home alone no one here and have to clean up home everyday especially the bathroom, from all the radioactive iodine that will come through my skin and on my clothes.
The day i found out i have cancer this verse came to my mind my old pastor i grew up with gave it to me when i was afraid, Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? Psam 56:3-4. people who hear they have cancer understands the feeling of hearing you have cancer... i feel so numb still even now when i heard it my body just started to shake and tremble, started inwardly then outwardly, and i couldnt stop shaking i was so afraid but after i said that verse i started to calm down some. Hard part was to go home and tell my husband and family, my mother-in-law was with me that day since i couldnt drive yet and she was the first i told. she tried to pray but she couldnt through her shakes. And Mark i dont know how he is taking this he seems so distant from me like hes afraid to touch me like hes gonna hurt me or something, he wont talk to me about this and how hes feeling wish he would, i asked him but he said that he didnt know what to think or feel.
i feel alone but i know im not alone i have the Lord, and my church family and friends and my family here praying for me and helping me out.
another verse i keep repeating to myself is Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. i know i can find strength in God i believe God has a plan for me and i believe that He will heal me. there are days where i dont know how to pray to God and some days i do and what to say. its hard but i know i have to keep looking up to God for guidance and strength. and never lose faith in God's plan, even tho i feel im losing my faith. another verse i think of in Job 23:10 But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. we all have our mountains and valleys in our spiritual life. and right now i feel this mountain is too much for me, people say God never gives you no more than He know we can handle.... but sometimes i wish God didnt think i am so strong....seems like in our marriage we dealt with our health i had epilepsy til my brain surgery in 2001 then 3 months later marks cancerTrust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;, then 10 yrs later i have cancer... we only been married since nov '96......
i just have to keep going each day trusting the Lord never lose faith even tho all i want to do is breakdown and cry.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Pro.3:5-6.........
then the rest of 2011 was doing ok til october 4th when i went to my family doctor for a physical, and while he was checking my neck, he found a lump on my thyroid. So he sent me for bloodwork to check my thyroid numbers out, and they were normal. Then it was to a ultra sound, and found out i do have a nodule one my right thyroid at about 1.5 cm. Then in Nov 3-4 i went for an iodine uptake test which showed my nodule was a "cold nodule" at 2.5cm, which is something you dont want. So my dr sent me to a general/cancer surgeon to have it taken out.
So on Dec.22 2011, i have my first thyroid surgery to have my right side taken out with the tumor. On Jan 3rd 2012 i went to see my surgeon for post-op, and she said the words that i dreaded ...... You have papillary cancer of the thyroid and tumor was 3.4 cm but one dr said 4.5cm so who knows, i just know they told me i have stageII cancer. then it was off to see an endocrinolgist and she sent me back into surgery to have left taken out which was on feb2. Now im healing again this time was worse than the first course i have 2 surgeries in 6 weeks of each other. i see the endo dr on the 28th to start to prepare for this "low iodine diet" i have to be on for 10 days or 2 weeks i dont remember. then i have to have a prescan( another uptake scan but of my whole body) to check if the cancer spread to other parts of my body. the prescan will help tell my dr how much of the radioactive iodine i will need to have to kill whats left of my thyroid and cancer, then another scan 10 days after the treatment. dr said ill have to have a bunch of checkups and possibly more RAI or what they call it I-131, in 6 months. I will have to be on a thyroid replacement pill for the rest of my life. And dr said dont expect to be cancer free in 6 months that it usually takes a few doses of the I-131 to kill it, but can recur in the next few yrs.
this all has been hard on me and my family. we didnt expect this cuz at my first surgery, surgeon said it looked benign but when the 2 pathologies came back the same papillary cancer then i was shocked and so was my husband.
its hard on Mark cuz he knows what it is like having cancer he had cancer back in 2001 we were only married 4 yrs then and had an almost 2 yr old when he found out.
With all of this now, im finding it hard to trust the Lord im trying not to be that person who asks "why me" but God is in control and i know i am in HIS hands. i feel weak, afraid, my heart is full of fear. im only gonna be 35 in march, and a almost 13 yr old homeschooled daughter,im a busy stay-at-home wife/mother, and i have cancer. i may not get the same kind of therapy most people get for cancer but it is still the big "C" word and every cancer has its own treatment. with this treatment i cant be around people or my family cuz i could hurt them so im gonna have to stay home alone no one here and have to clean up home everyday especially the bathroom, from all the radioactive iodine that will come through my skin and on my clothes.
The day i found out i have cancer this verse came to my mind my old pastor i grew up with gave it to me when i was afraid, Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? Psam 56:3-4. people who hear they have cancer understands the feeling of hearing you have cancer... i feel so numb still even now when i heard it my body just started to shake and tremble, started inwardly then outwardly, and i couldnt stop shaking i was so afraid but after i said that verse i started to calm down some. Hard part was to go home and tell my husband and family, my mother-in-law was with me that day since i couldnt drive yet and she was the first i told. she tried to pray but she couldnt through her shakes. And Mark i dont know how he is taking this he seems so distant from me like hes afraid to touch me like hes gonna hurt me or something, he wont talk to me about this and how hes feeling wish he would, i asked him but he said that he didnt know what to think or feel.
i feel alone but i know im not alone i have the Lord, and my church family and friends and my family here praying for me and helping me out.
another verse i keep repeating to myself is Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. i know i can find strength in God i believe God has a plan for me and i believe that He will heal me. there are days where i dont know how to pray to God and some days i do and what to say. its hard but i know i have to keep looking up to God for guidance and strength. and never lose faith in God's plan, even tho i feel im losing my faith. another verse i think of in Job 23:10 But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. we all have our mountains and valleys in our spiritual life. and right now i feel this mountain is too much for me, people say God never gives you no more than He know we can handle.... but sometimes i wish God didnt think i am so strong....seems like in our marriage we dealt with our health i had epilepsy til my brain surgery in 2001 then 3 months later marks cancerTrust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;, then 10 yrs later i have cancer... we only been married since nov '96......
i just have to keep going each day trusting the Lord never lose faith even tho all i want to do is breakdown and cry.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Pro.3:5-6.........
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