the Cancer Bible

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Heb. 4:12

I have this Bible i bought back in 2010, before i knew i would be diagnosed with cancer, it seems strange to me that i would buy a cancer bible before i would get cancer but maybe God had a plan.  its a Women of Faith Devotional Bible "pink edition" its a breast cancer bible they made but it also talks about different cancers and they have devotionals on women who had cancer. I found one woman in there who had thyroid cancer and then breast cancer.
I was looking around through my books and forgot i bought it. Now i find myself reading the little devotionals in there each day, the bible verse i put first here was what i read in the healing section..... they have 366 day devotions and parted out in 12 sections like months, but its a love selection, healing, hope, grace, etc.....
 Lately within the last few months feel lost and alone, even with reading my bible since the beginning of 2010 and been reading it since, even tho i just dont feel like reading it, i feel discouraged. But reading all these womens stories of trials and heartache they still found strength in the Lord. i know we all go through tough times and testing, but i feel very overwhelmed by all this and afraid im losing faith, i just feel im in this dark place in my life and cant find my way out. i told my husband that and his response was what do you mean? like he dont get it why wouldnt he get that he said the same thing to me 11 yrs ago when he had cancer.
i have a best friend ive know for 30 yrs her dad lead me to the Lord when i was 5 yrs old. Last yr she told me she envied my faith in God with all i had to deal with my whole life. i wonder how she would feel if she knew that i feel my faith is slipping away, and im not sure what to feel anymore. that i cant feel God's presence right now through this, even tho i know God promises to never leave me or forsake me.       "All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out. John 6:37 ( 1 of marks favs)

Last year my mother-in-law gave me this book to read and it was a great book, and i feel im living in this book, its called  "Hind's Feet on High Places" its one of those allegory book. ive been thinking of that book alot lately. i fully understand that book and what its suppose to teach you.

there are days where i cant pray, i dont know why i feel like something is holding me back, and i know right now is the time i need to pray. i dont know what to say when i pray, like im being punished for something or God dont want to hear from me i dont know. i just take it day by day sometimes moment by moment. i thought maybe if i write on here that it would help me cuz i feel i cant talk to anyone about this, not even my husband. he always acts like he dont want to talk about anything about cancer. like he wants to forget i have thyroid cancer and all i want to do is talk about it. i dont know how he is even taking all this its almost as if hes being insensitive to me about all this. this may not be a cancer that would kill you but u can die from any cancer just determines on what kind you get. Mark had testicular cancer in 2001 and it was the curable kind and mine is the curable kind as well and we are both getting different treatments he had chemo, im getting I-131 aka radioactive iodine. but its still cancer and i dont want it. if mine ever recurs in a different place it could be in my lungs or bones and i saw somewhere in the breast.

just because i have the cancer that is treatable doesnt mean that it doesnt scare me just as bad ITS CANCER! i know i need to trust the Lord and know He is in control of all this but its hard.

heres a verse my husband would always repeat when he went through cancer it is one of his favorites so maybe itll become mine..... 

 Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'