I should write in this more. I keep forgetting about that I have this, a place where I can just type what is in my heart and mind. Alot has happened since i last wrote on here. But i am still working on my relationship with the Lord, but there have been some times where i have felt alone. Last May my hubby and i both lost our last grandparent mark was is gramma locklin (moms mom) and i lost my paternal grampa 5 days later, i was over with my family caring for my gramp til his death.
then the rest of 2011 was doing ok til october 4th when i went to my family doctor for a physical, and while he was checking my neck, he found a lump on my thyroid. So he sent me for bloodwork to check my thyroid numbers out, and they were normal. Then it was to a ultra sound, and found out i do have a nodule one my right thyroid at about 1.5 cm. Then in Nov 3-4 i went for an iodine uptake test which showed my nodule was a "cold nodule" at 2.5cm, which is something you dont want. So my dr sent me to a general/cancer surgeon to have it taken out.
So on Dec.22 2011, i have my first thyroid surgery to have my right side taken out with the tumor. On Jan 3rd 2012 i went to see my surgeon for post-op, and she said the words that i dreaded ...... You have papillary cancer of the thyroid and tumor was 3.4 cm but one dr said 4.5cm so who knows, i just know they told me i have stageII cancer. then it was off to see an endocrinolgist and she sent me back into surgery to have left taken out which was on feb2. Now im healing again this time was worse than the first course i have 2 surgeries in 6 weeks of each other. i see the endo dr on the 28th to start to prepare for this "low iodine diet" i have to be on for 10 days or 2 weeks i dont remember. then i have to have a prescan( another uptake scan but of my whole body) to check if the cancer spread to other parts of my body. the prescan will help tell my dr how much of the radioactive iodine i will need to have to kill whats left of my thyroid and cancer, then another scan 10 days after the treatment. dr said ill have to have a bunch of checkups and possibly more RAI or what they call it I-131, in 6 months. I will have to be on a thyroid replacement pill for the rest of my life. And dr said dont expect to be cancer free in 6 months that it usually takes a few doses of the I-131 to kill it, but can recur in the next few yrs.
this all has been hard on me and my family. we didnt expect this cuz at my first surgery, surgeon said it looked benign but when the 2 pathologies came back the same papillary cancer then i was shocked and so was my husband.
its hard on Mark cuz he knows what it is like having cancer he had cancer back in 2001 we were only married 4 yrs then and had an almost 2 yr old when he found out.
With all of this now, im finding it hard to trust the Lord im trying not to be that person who asks "why me" but God is in control and i know i am in HIS hands. i feel weak, afraid, my heart is full of fear. im only gonna be 35 in march, and a almost 13 yr old homeschooled daughter,im a busy stay-at-home wife/mother, and i have cancer. i may not get the same kind of therapy most people get for cancer but it is still the big "C" word and every cancer has its own treatment. with this treatment i cant be around people or my family cuz i could hurt them so im gonna have to stay home alone no one here and have to clean up home everyday especially the bathroom, from all the radioactive iodine that will come through my skin and on my clothes.
The day i found out i have cancer this verse came to my mind my old pastor i grew up with gave it to me when i was afraid, Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? Psam 56:3-4. people who hear they have cancer understands the feeling of hearing you have cancer... i feel so numb still even now when i heard it my body just started to shake and tremble, started inwardly then outwardly, and i couldnt stop shaking i was so afraid but after i said that verse i started to calm down some. Hard part was to go home and tell my husband and family, my mother-in-law was with me that day since i couldnt drive yet and she was the first i told. she tried to pray but she couldnt through her shakes. And Mark i dont know how he is taking this he seems so distant from me like hes afraid to touch me like hes gonna hurt me or something, he wont talk to me about this and how hes feeling wish he would, i asked him but he said that he didnt know what to think or feel.
i feel alone but i know im not alone i have the Lord, and my church family and friends and my family here praying for me and helping me out.
another verse i keep repeating to myself is Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. i know i can find strength in God i believe God has a plan for me and i believe that He will heal me. there are days where i dont know how to pray to God and some days i do and what to say. its hard but i know i have to keep looking up to God for guidance and strength. and never lose faith in God's plan, even tho i feel im losing my faith. another verse i think of in Job 23:10 But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. we all have our mountains and valleys in our spiritual life. and right now i feel this mountain is too much for me, people say God never gives you no more than He know we can handle.... but sometimes i wish God didnt think i am so strong....seems like in our marriage we dealt with our health i had epilepsy til my brain surgery in 2001 then 3 months later marks cancerTrust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;, then 10 yrs later i have cancer... we only been married since nov '96......
i just have to keep going each day trusting the Lord never lose faith even tho all i want to do is breakdown and cry.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Pro.3:5-6.........
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