MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

I see i havent been posting in a month or more. Been stressing out from everything that has been happening. I have gone to the ER for anxiety attacks and had them at home too, but not so bad that i had to go to the ER only the ones that made my chest hurt bad.
 I'm still without health insurance i have seen my endo dr but she didnt make me do my labs to see if they need to adjust my synthroid. but i think she wants to because of my chest pains i have been having and my heart races as well. I went to my new family dr about the disability forms he said to call SSA which is what i wanted to do from the start. But some people told me not to.Guess I'll go with my instincts next time. i called the corning one someone told me call there not the main place, and they were right are nice and helpful. i have a phone interview in jan. i hate stressing my hubby out with the medical bills and buying me meds now. I'm sure that my anxiety attacks are from worrying so much about this all, cuz thats when they started i havent had them since 2006 when my potassium was so low it made my arms and legs numb.
i even tried not taking my potassium like im suppose to and make them last and when i was in the ER for chest pains they checked my levels and they were low so i know i need those pills for the rest of my life as well as synthroid.
i still have memory loss cant remember anything much i have to write everything i have to get or do even driving i have to write down where i need to stop if i have more than one stop to make.
 Saturday the 22nd will be a year ago i had my first thyroidectomy. My daughter asked me today, mom was last year when you had ur surgery more stressful for u or is it now when ur having all this insurance problems? I answered I was stressed both times but for sure this yr is more stressful. cant believe its almost Christmas last yr i was getting all my shopping done and tests done for surgery, i remember not sleeping the night before and Christmas day i was tired and sore but loved being with my daughter and my hubby. the best Christmas present i got last year was...... My husband cleaning the kitchen, washing all the dishes and putting them away, and started my Christmas dinner.
it doesnt feel like Christmas because theres no snow on the ground and its warmer than usual around where i live it was that way last year too. this year has gone by fast and i thought it was going so slow especially during the L.I.D.

Its hard to keep trusting God through all this. I know He is there but i feel alone. i know things will work out its all in God's hands but im not the patient kind cuz i know i have appts i need to go to and meds i need to have, and i hate having my husband stressed over how the bills will be  paid, and buying my meds. im just wondering when it will all be worked out..

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Hope all who read this will have a Merry Christmas and Happy new Year , and remember why we have Christmas the birth of Christ.

feel like UGH!

I still feel tired and weak from all the thyroid cancer stuff, even tho i am in remission. yesterday i took Ash to her piano lesson, and usually after i get home im worn right out, and the next day or 2 im so tired i cant stand it. I will have to make appt with my new family doc to see about getting on disability for a while so i can have MA again cuz if i dont get the meds i need then i may as well be disabled. I also have a great deal of pain in my shoulder and neck from being rear-ended. If i lift stuff my shoulder and neck will hurt so bad and have spasms, even driving irritates it. And i still have bad migraines probably from all the pain in the neck and shoulder.

I do have help from my endo doc she gave me about 4 months od Synthroid and helping me get help through the ppl who make them. And getting help with my GERD meds and pain meds and another med but nothing for potassium chloride, which i need so that my arms and legs dont get numb.

I just wish i can feel better strengthwise, i hate this feeling of uselessness, i cant clean my house like  i use to in a day. I get so tired being up for 1/2 hr washing dishes. Sometimes i just feel like burying myself in blankets and stay there forever. im freezing all the time now, cant remember what a hot flash feels like anymore. i cant remember anything anymore, i have to write everything down if not its forgotten sometimes i forget what i ate or if i ate lol. i have to ask my family what i made them for dinner the night before.

im still having a hard time feeling like God is here with me. i know what the Bible says that He wont leave me. its like im still in a dark place in my life and cant seem to get out of it i have been going to church but still confused about where i want to go i miss the one we attended for 5 or more yrs but like to help support my father in laws church for awhile the church hes at right now isnt very big and i like the time of the morning service it starts at 11 and its nice cuz i cant barely get out of bed before 10am. i feel like i did when i was seizure meds cuz that use to make me tired too. i need alot of hours of sleep, but feel tired more with no thyroid, and im so tired of explaning to ppl why i am so tired, yes i look good on the outside i dont look sick but its not ur body so u dont know what im feeling.

on a good note in 2 weeks from today is our 16th wedding anniversary  dont seem like its been that long we have been married. We have been through alot in our marriage with health issues, he had cancer 11 yrs ago. we have been just so busy taking care of each other when one of us is sick that the time just flew.  We started our marriage with me having epilepsy and he married me sick and he didnt have to, then 4 yrs later i had brain surgery to fix it, then 3 months later after my surg he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I had a hyterectomy when i was 30 in hopes of not telling my hubby i have cancer  in those organs, but ended up with thyroid cancer. And that is all in the last 16 yrs. our daughter was born before my brain surg  and hubbys cancer, she was 2 through all that. she came out perfect and beautiful even tho i was on seizure meds all 9months  i prayed hard those 9 months i was preg so i cant understand why i cant pray like that now.
 
My mom has been giving me some money to spend on my house first she bought us a new couch and mark a recliner we have never had new furniture in the 16 yrs of marriage. Then she gave some money to buy what i want for mini blinds and curtains for the downstairs so i bought new curtains for kitchen, living room, and bathroom. Got new rods for them and got the thermal kind of curtains and darkening, the blinds are darkening too and  i bought them  for the doors and all the windows for those room now it all looks nice i love but waiting for mark to put up my rods for the doors so i can put curtains up for them i need to measure them up so i can cut curtains to fit the doors. i think its the nicest my house as been. sometime later ill do the rest for the upstairs but got myself worn out my putting them up but did have hubbys help putting up some of them. made me forget for awhile that i dont feel good til i stop and feel tired and i feel like i want to sleep for a few hrs.

stress, what else can go wrong

Well i havent wrote on this in a month or so, so i figured id put something up. ive been under alot of stress lately. other than trying to get my health improved, im stressing over that i have no health insur anymore since they dropped me and my hubby and they didnt even tell us that it ended on sept 30 and i went for labs and my physical with my family doc in Oct. And i cant get the meds i need cuz i dont have any insurance. I hate being a burden to Mark, and i know hes worried about it and wonder where hes gonna get money to get the meds i need, like my Synthroid and Potassium. If i dont take my GERD med i feel like im having a heartattack and OTCs dont help at all for it. And of course i still have pain in my neck ( bulging and herniated discs) and shoulder from being rear-ended in 2011. they want me to sign up for disability that way i can have MA, but i have no idea how im going to collect SSI or whatever it is i havent worked since i was 20 ive been a stay at home wife/mother/homeschoolmom for the last 16 yrs total, well itll be 16yrs married on Nov 23, dont seem like its been that long and we have a 13 yr old daughter. so where would the money be????? i really cant lift anything cuz of my shoulder and neck, im tired all the time i cant think like i use to with all this thyroid cancer stuff, and still feel weak and dizzy. all they know is i have an ongoing medical condition, thats why they want me on disability to out me on MA but hubby wont be on it and he has cancer checkups still.
i thought i could stop stressing about stuff, i get into remission of my thyroid cancer to this. But i will still have to see endo doc for labs and checkups i see her in nov but not sure what to do i dont want to cause mark to stress how hes gonna pay my medical bills.
i just feel like ranting tonight. why is it when one storm seems to calm down but not end yet another storm comes when the other isnt gone yet like having 2 storms coming at you at once. ARGGGG!!!!!!!
 i havent been able to sleep lately and im so tired, and tired of everything thats going on. my brain hasnt been the same either i have to write EVERYTHING down even where i need to stop when im out, like today Ash had piano lesson today and i had to go to several places and had to write them down cuz yesterday i couldnt remember all i had to do, like stopping at the endo doc to get samples of Synthroid for 4 months so i know atleast ill have my synthroid til we figure everything out.
I think i hurt my throat today i was wondering when i was going to seems like when i eat or drink i feel like im going to choke on it, all since my 2 thyroid surgeries and today i was at mcds getting some fries and they went down really hard and now my throat hurts like i cut it or something.. and seems like when i eat or drink i have to like put my chin down towards my neck or chest  before i swallow, if i dont it feels like it doesnt want to go down. ok my rant it done hoping i can sleep tonight i know i need to trust in the Lord but its hard when it seems like everything is going wrong at the same time all the time im tired mentally,physically,and emotionally. i know its mainly thyroid issues and tired of the pain in the shoulder and C-spine........................ 

YAY!!!!! UNDETECTABLE

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Prov.3:5,6
 today my endo dr called today and gave me my thyrogobulin bloodwork back i had to redo it since the lab last fri did it wrong so i had to wait all this time to hear all the news. my scan came out looking good and my thyrogobulin levels came back undetectable for cancer. best news ive heard all yr and i cried when i got off the phone cuz ive been waiting to hear that since i was told i had thyroid cancer. now i see her in 2 months for checkups and labs, to keep it that way. i feel such weight lifted off me but still thinking it can come back so ill have to keep up with my checkups and pray it never comes back and get on with my life and get my body back to having strength if thats possible, i can start my synthroid 2mro am, im so happy to be able to start that again. this has been a long year .. my husband and i have been through alot with each other these last 16 yrs we'll be married 16 in nov. it seems the 2 storms in our marriage was health and money. i had epilepsy when we got married then had brain surgery then he had cancer 3 months after my brain surgery, that took 15 mons to get him cancer free and hes been cancer free 10 yrs now. i always said, i know Mark and I can get through any storm in our marriage as long as we are together and with the Lord on our side, and thats what i believe. i cant wait to tell my hubby parents and sister i can hear them now Praise the Lord!!!! repeated over and over again, not sure what my hubby thought  i txted him first hes at work now but wanted him to know first. but i have an idea what he thought probably what his family will say.
i think i know why the Lord gave me the treatment of RAI and that i needed to be isolated cuz i know if i had any other kind that allows my family to be with me, id still work my house cleaning and cooking etc, and He knew i needed to rest and not work, that week i had RAI i did NOTHING no dishes, vacuuming, laundry just once for Mark. even now i still feel weak and tired from all this and i still cleaned and cooked etc. i dont know when to stop and rest usually when im done or so worn out that id die. most stay at home wives/moms dont know when to stop and take some time for themselves to care for themselves cuz we are so drawn into taking care of our familes then ourselves. so i needed to be ioslated so that i could rest and i know then i needed it but never wouldve if my family was home with me. God gave me that answer a few weeks ago, and it made sense. God knows what i need even when i dont. i hated being alone, but there had to be a reason why when i hate being alone and want someone here with me when im sick i cant, and mark when he had chemo he didnt want anyone around but could there are lessons in both and i got my answer as to why but not sure mark did on his course he rather forget he had cancer at all, me im thinking what am i going to learn from this experience, and i have learn ALOT!
i forgot how much i loved to bake from scratch and missed fishing which i didnt fish too much this yr but did some fishing with my family. I learned my husband does pray for me i never knew that before, that meant alot to me that he told he does. Mark took me to my dr appts and was there for me. he never took me to my appts after i got my drivers license. and when he took before he never went in with me like he did with these ones.
now if i can get a normal life again i know i have to find a new normal , i need to start taking care of me too and not neglect myself i always thought id be selfish if i did but learned its not cuz when i take care of myself im doing for my family too. this is like God opening my eyes to see i need to take care of me cuz i am God's child and He wants me to care for me too. i always thought husband and child first then me.
now if i can stay cancer free for like my husband is, i want to better my life and lose some weight that i gained through all this and gain strength and exercise. clean my head, and heart out, grow in faith as i have this yr when i thought i thought i lost it, grow spiritually closer with the Lord and with my husband and daughter. when i can get my first relationship on track which is the Lord, thats when i can get my marriage on track where it should be and be closer to my hubby which i know he is a gift from God, then my daughter who is my miracle. i thank God for both of them everyday that He put mark and i together and gave us our daughter.
But He said, "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." Luke 18:27
 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7

almost there

i just love this picture i want to be that kind of woman.......

 

well today i had my pills for my scan tomorrow to see if i need another RAI. the last 2 weeks seemed like forever not being able to eat what i want. i did eat more this time than last time since i kno what im eating now. i still feel weak and tired and out of breath and  having twinges in my chest like before but not as bad as before. i cant believe i said i cant wait til i can be back on synthroid again ill be off it 3 weeks this wednesday. I know the Lord is the one who go me through this last 2 weeks of the LID. He gave me the strength to keep going. now if i can get through this week of my scan and stuff. i got really irate today my endo doc didnt call me til i was on the road to tell me i can have the pills for scan i had to see what my bloodwk was if i can have the scan. i called them 2xs and Mark was the first to call them to call me. when i called the lady knew i was mad when i told her they said they would call when my hubby called in a few mins HA ya right, then i called oh we'll call u soon then the 3rd time i told her they were suppose to call 3 hrs ago!!!!! to say the least they shouldnt mess with a thyroid cancer patient who hasnt had real food in 2 weeks and more or synthroid for 3 weeks. i had appt for 130 today to get pills and takes an hr altogether to get there with my mom in law driving 30mins to my house and then another 30 down after my house.
i have been noticing my pulse is low but my BP is ok this time so far. i had problems before about a month after my treatment. if i dont need a treatment my mom  wants to come and take me and ash and her to Olive Garden for my first good meal. i cant wait til i can Mark took me to my last night i could eat good.
 now i have a bad headache and am very  cold, tired and weak ive been sleeping better. but thats because im not on a high dose of synthroid like before, and im hoping for a neg scan so they can try and put me on a normal dose so maybe i can sleep better on it. i feel like there is something in my throat all the time it drives me crazy.
i just need some more strength to get through this week and i know God will He always will. i need to trust Him more .. sometimes i feel like the engine that could, saying i think i can i think i can and sometimes i said no i cant but God tells me yes u can....... Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! Psalms 27:14. i read this verse this morning in my favorite authors books on power of prayer. i know i have been alitte anxious on this week thinking i could still have cancer, but God's Word says....Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6,7..... i just have to keep reminding myself that all the time. well  probably write more later this week to say whats going on i hate when things are up in the air.......

Day 4 of LID

Today was day 4 of my low iodine diet and first day i feel crumby. i have been canning for the last week to get it all done before i started to not feel good. I have been eating more since this time around i know what i can eat before i starved cuz i was confused by it all. im starting to walk slower and am more tired but i have been sleeping more i actually slept 5 straight hrs for the last 2 nights, but it could have been from all the canning ive done, i have done tons of tomatoes and did some pickled beets, i was doing only one canner a day to not wear me out but the closer i got to not feeling well the more i wanted it all done and now i am all done with it today i did the last of the canning. now my body aches i cant wait til this is all over with, but have been praying that God gives me the strength to get through it all. I have been cold lately which i knew i would be. And Ashley asked me a question about a history question and i couldnt concentrate on it. All i need is a negative scan to not do this diet again and then they can put me on a normal dose of synthroid, then just check my levels every so often as whenever they check it.

 

i love this picture of the Bible cuz i believe its true mine must not be falling apart to bad even tho some of the binding n leather part is cracked cuz i sometimes feel like im falling apart.


tomorrow im doing nothing but laying on the couch and resting, and homeschooling Ash. i already feel like my mind if getting foggy in the morning as i read the Bible and another book i sometimes have to read the same line over again cuz it didnt sink in my brain. the longest i stayed down today was when my cousin called me for about 40 mins or so tonight. And i know my moods are getting to me feeling cranky and feeling like i want to cry. I cant seem to even think what i want to type in here so i guess ill leave with this verse from Phil. 4:13......I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

time to get started

Today was my last day to take my Synthroid, for 3 weeks. Its gonna be weird waking up between 3-5am to take it and remembering i cant take it. Sunday the 9th i start the dreaded diet, i let my mother-in-law to read over my LID cookbook to see if she can make me stuff for diet.
 But i have to believe the the Lord will help me through this, and that He will give me the strength i need to get through it all. it has been a comfort to hear that there are people who are praying for me, especially my husband.  Yesterday i started to read a book from my favorite author Stormie Omartian and found this verse,  And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." I know i need to look to God for strength even tho i have felt He left me but i know from yrs of memorizing verses and sitting in church that God never leaves us. But i have to be reminded of it.
I dread getting tired and weak just hope i dont get bad like i was last time, i was hypothyroid longer last time with 2 surgeries and never been on meds for it, this time ill only be hypo for 3 weeks or so not like months. just hoping it will go by quickly.
there has been alot i learned in this past year with cancer, i have found my strength in God, my family and my praying friends, i cant give up cuz there are people who need me around like the 2 i live with and love with all my heart. i thank God just about everyday for bringing them into my life. i want it to be everyday like it was before i just need to start back into my prayer life. I have always been weak in my prayer life, and dont know how to strengthen it my husband has a strong prayer life and i only wish i could have that as well. But I love to read God's Word and study it i dont have any problem with that. I keep thinking of a friend who gave me some good advice along with the Sunday School class she taught, it takes 28 days to make something a good habit, i have done so with the Bible and now its like, first thing i do when i get up is grab my Bible, and its so natural for me. Now i wish i can just apply that to my prayer life. But i have always been insecure about why would the Lord want to hear from me, why does He love me for i always felt i was an unlovable person, why would people love me why would my husband love. all i can understand it the love of a mother since i am one, i know now why my mom loves me cuz there isnt anything i wouldnt do  for my daughter. shes one reason why i have to fight this cancer, i understand why my husband fought his cancer, for Ashley, she deserves to have both parents around, she doesnt remember daddy having cancer but she will remember mom having cancer and i hate that she will remember, and she worries about me all the time and i dont like that she does she shouldnt have to be worrying about me,  but i guess i cant do anything about it. But i am also fighting cancer for my husband too, even tho he may not know it and even if he didnt fight for me when he had cancer.
I hate it when people say thyroid cancer "is the good cancer" it irritates me cuz i think there is NO good cancer. Cancer is cancer and cancer is BAD, all of it. im not the only one who thinks that everyone that i talk to online that had or has thyroid cancer all feel the same way. even the drs call it the good cancer its not. we still get sick, tired, weak, we may not lose our hair cuz of our RAI treatments, i was nauseated after my treatment and lost my taste too. And my mind was like mud during the hypo time not fun at all i always messed up my sentences and spelling even when i knew how to spell it, and what i want to say comes out wrong and am more forgetful then i was before i find myself having to write things down in order to remember it later, i had a hard time driving no reflexes at all. Just like with every cancer thyroid cancer people just want it over with and cant wait to hear we are cancer free that all anyone wants to hear with any cancer, I still get nervous when my husband goes to his cancer checkup and its been 10 yrs now hes been free, and now that all i want to hear i wont know til i have my scan on sept 25 the waiting is.....AHHHHHHHHH I HATE WAITING .. cuz i keep thinking if i get a positive scan i have to have another RAI  and then wait another 6 months and do this over again my mom could tell  anyone patience wasnt one of my strong thing to be. i have learned patience through homeschooling and parenting and being a wife.  i will end with this verse i have always repeated whenever im afraid my childhood pastor gave it to me once...
 Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? Psalm 56:3,4  this became one of my favorite verses.

dreading September

I am planning my LID stuff before i start this time, but first im baking goodies for my family and freezing them so they will have goodies when i dont feel like making any. i have been really stressing about this LID this time. i starved last time and didnt expect to be as sick as i was. i wish all i had to do was stop the Synthroid which i will have on sept 5, but i have to do LID i hate it. i have been crying off and on about all this i dont know if its cuz im so nervous about this or if its my thyroid not being there anymore. I have been crying since all this started as well.
i just wish i didnt feel so far away from my hubby and God. i feel so lost, and alone i dont think i ever felt like this. i always had someone around me all my life. i went from my parents home to my home i have with my hubby i was 19 when  we met and married, and i was still living with my parents then.  if someone would have told me then that at 34 i would be diagnosed with thyroid cancer i would think they were crazy, i can see if it were cervical, uterine or ovarian or even breast cuz all the runs in my family even colon. But never thought of thyroid cancer. i forgot everyone has a thyroid, and took for granted what the thyroid does for ur body. it controls so much of our bodies, like emotions , weight, temperature of ur body. I always said when they took some of my brain out that i lost my temp gage but now its worse with no thyroid. My emotions have been way off the charts, i have been crying for no reason sometimes there was a reason but most times its no reason. i still havent been sleeping well. Probably that will change when i become "hypo" i was always sleeping then. But then comes being moody and cranky and mean and probably more crying. i still feel overwhelmed about this all, and dont know who to talk to about this other than talking to people online who has suffered with thyroid cancer. i think they are the only people who understand about it all.
Well i was happy that my daughter had her physical today with her ped dr and he gave her a clean bill of health and has now reached the 5 foot mark.  she was 60 and 3/4s tall today. im glad shes healthy and hope she stays that way. im still thinking how am i gonna teach her homeschool wise when im hype my mind was mud then and she always needs help with her math which she has a online class she watches. guess daddy will have to help some when im hypo. i cant wait til sept is over. i have my scan for the 25th of sept, but i still have a bad feeling about it, and i dont like it cuz its usually right, i want to be wrong.

Here I go Again

Well seen my endo doc and got my schedule for the month of sept for my checkup scan. She told me my insur wont pay for the shot which i could have had instead of the LID but guess i cant cuz stupid insur i have. She did say I can start whenever im ready i said lets go she is letting me wait til after Labor Day but 2 days after that i stop the synthroid and then the following sunday start the LID then labs sept 21 and scan sometime the week of sept 24, and then i should know if i havee to have another RAI. I got an answer for my rashes from being over heated she told me she made me a bit hyperthyroid to help with the cancer not to grow, and that made me to be heat intolerable she said hopefully if i get a negative scan she can put me on a more normal dose. maybe that is why i have be very obsessed with cleaning my house and been a little worried about stuff  i did have a rash on my arm today while i was there her waiting room was so hot. just wish this was all over with. I wish i didnt have to do this again.  but if i get a negative scan it will only be labs to check things out after it but if i need another RAI i will prob go thru this again. if i need another RAI it will be a short time for me to get my daughter to my moms to stay this time. i wont know til after the scan if i need one or not.
   So im gonna be tired and slow soon hopefully wont be as bad as the first time she said it may not be cuz we had to wait so long before so i could have surg again so i was hypo longer then i would be this time. And i got to be better at eating this time around for LID last time i starved cuz i was afraid what to eat, other than tons of bananas.
September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month, and im gonna be busy with my thyroid cancer stuff the whole month. then i see endo doc at the end of Nov. seems like the yr is going so slow for me just want this yr to be gone. im tired of all this tired of being tired and being really hot to really cold. being hot like now is worse than my hot flashes i had before all this. i cant even remember what they felt like but i kno it wasnt to the point of sweating like now . I hope the feeling i have isnt gonna be right cuz i have a feeling i will need another RAI idk why but i feel i will and hopefully this time i will be wrong. not looking forward to sept but guess ill have to idk if ill write on this during that time but might if i need to vent. i looked back at my older post back in feb-may i dont remember typing those but remembered that i felt that way seemed like a lifetime ago and a very dark place for me i still feel like im in a dark place just gray tho. just wish i could see the light at the end of the tunnel but its to far away still if there is an ending to all this just want to throw in the towel and be done with this all.

SIX MONTHS ALREADY!!??!!??!!

Cant believe its been almost 6 months since i had treatment. Tuesday i see my "endo" doc for a checkup, im alittle nervous about it. doc says ill have to do the LID but i dont want to. I'm gonna ask why i cant use the shot everyone with this kind of cancer gets. i dread the LID i dont like it i get weak, sick, hungry, and my mind is all foggy thats not gonna help with me teaching ashley for homeschool. last time i had to ask her how to spell stuff and i still spelled it wrong. I dont remember much of the months of jan- april,and part of may. but i do remember feeling weak and tired all the time and and my arms and legs were aching then and  i hated it. ill have to stop my synthroid as well for 3 weeks or less depending on if i need another treatment. it still runs in my head what the doc said dont expect to be cancer free in 6 months so its like she already told me im gonna need another RAI and be isolated AGAIN. im as nervous about going tues as i am when Mark goes to see his oncologist every year for his checkups. I dont know if i can do this again i really dont think i can it was so hard the first time sometimes i thought id die then cuz i felt so bad. and i cant shake this feeling i have that everything is going to end that i dont have the time to do the things i shouldve years ago. Or like im going to lose everything like  hubby and daughter . I cant seem to find my faith i use to have not just in believing Jesus Christ and God but my marriage as well that it wont  survive all of this. i still feel like im abandoned and lost. i still wish hubby would tell me how he taking all this cancer and stuff but he always keeps things to himself then my mind goes racing does he even care how i feel about this i feel discouraged i dont want to go to church anymore like i shut right down and if i did go i wouldnt be going cuz i want to and probably zone out and not listen to anything. think it was Easter the last time i went to church and i didnt want to be there at all. i use to love going to church but now i dont know. i dont have anyone i can talk to about this, the person i really want to talk to about this and how he  feel about it, wont talk to about it, and that is my best friend and partner in life. hes the only one i want to talk to, being that he had cancer too thought hed be understanding to all this he always made me talk when he had cancer even when i didnt know what to say sometimes all i could do was cry, and say I Love You, and ill always be there for you, and of course you better fight this cancer or ill be upset that we need you and you cant give up. but i guess he thinks im strong that i dont need to hear that stuff but im not part of me just dont want to go and do this yet again like i want to quit, and give up. i dont want to have my heart racing and BP going very low, feeling so weak that everytime i stand up i feel like im going to passout and get dizzy,  and not have taste again im just starting to get it back but things still seem bland to me like now i want to eat more salt i wasnt the type that loves salt but now i feel i need it. hubby wants me back to normal but i dont know what that is anymore just like when he had cancer we had to find a new normal. my normal was i was always hot all the time now i get hot then cold then hot if i dont have some air blowing on me i feel like i cant breathe, and hubby doesnt understand i know he tries to keep the electric down it still upset him when im sitting here with the AC on me with a blanket on its cuz my body gets cold but my face needs the air on me and i try to keep it a little cooler then it is outside or if its cool outside try to keep it at that temp so the fan part is running not AC this house is so stuffy that it doesnt get the air inside even when the wind is blowing outside. sometimes i feel the walls are going to come down on me. and i dont know why maybe i need a punching bag with the words thyroid cancer on it so i can beat it up and get everything out of my system.

finding what i use to love, again through thyroid cancer

Sunday night hubby to me and our daughter fishing. I use to love to fish, its the one hobby hubby and I like together, and this yr for my bday he bought me my fishing license.  Sunday at first i had an anxiety attack cuz i was scared id get sick like i always do when its warm out, and that i never get out of this house to much anymore. When i got there and started to fish it wasnt so hot when the wind blew. We actually had a great family time and i forgot how much i loved to fishing. I did get tired and dizzy that  night. We are going fishing tonight after the hubby gets home we both cant wait my daughter and i that is, and its less humid today so it wouldnt be bad for me outside.
I also forgot how much i loved to bake things from scratch like bread, and goodies. I have been baking up a storm lately and loving it, baking was my passion when i was younger when i lived at home with the parents my sister loved to cook and hated baking i hated cooking n loved to bake so my mom had it made with us girls. And now i havent bought any bread only to use as stuffing i have been baking bread every other day or so i have a bread maker but i only use it to make the dough not cook it cuz it makes it to small in there i get it out and bake it in my oven. This month when i went grocery shopping i didnt buy any cake mixes or brownie mixes i plan on getting back into the groove of making things  from scratch again. And get my taste buds liking those again got so use to making boxed stuff and eating it that i am tired of the taste. And plus this yr for homeschooling i want to teach the daughter how to bake and cook from scratch, even bread. My husband seems to like homemade bread better than bought bread and homemade goodies too his mom always makes things from scratch. And i did love making things from scratch and just forgot that i use to love it. So i have been going crazy buying all the ingredients for stuff and sprinkles and decorating stuff for the goodies. in the last month i made so much goodies from scratch and all were loved by my family especially the peanut butter fudge i made which was easy i found online, i cant do to much mixing or kneading since my shoulder is in alot of pain even what i do still hurts the shoulder.  And the recipe i found for the fudge was really easy there was no beating it for a half hr it was poured on some 10x sugar and within a min it was ready to cool.
I nervous about this month cuz on the 21st i have a checkup with the endo doc and have to go thru all that i did to see if i need another treatment the LID is what makes me nervous i hated it the first time around i hardly ate i was afraid what to eat and afraid i was doing it wrong which i guess i didnt cuz i was ready for the scan before the 2 wks was up and had treatment before the 2 wks was up. I guess one thing that thyroid cancer has taught me was to find my passion again when i lost it yrs ago doing the things i use to love doing like baking and fishing. Even tho in my mind i feel scared yet feeling like time is not on my side and i feel like im losing time even tho i may have 50 more yrs on this earth but i may not so again thyroid cancer taught me to take time with my family whom i love make sure that they know i love them cuz tomorrow is not promised and i feel i wasted all this time before not doing the things i love and i cant get that back but i can use the time i have left to do the things i love. i cant explain exactly what im feeling im just scared most of the time thinking that i will die from cancer now that i have it and havent yet heard if im free of it or not. and i just cant get it across my mind that i was 34 when i was diagnosed with cancer. Guess u can say i have been doing alot of soul searching lately, im still having trouble with my spiritual relationship having a hard time praying cuz im not sure what to say anymore i havent gone to church in months and i dont really feel like going to church which scares me cuz i have always gone to church since i was 4 yrs old. i will be God's child 30 yrs in september i was 5. i know im going thru a war but i feel like im losing the fight i feel so far away from everything and everyone. and i dont know what to do dont feel like i could talk to anyone about this cuz they may not understand if they never had cancer before i thought my husband would uncerstand but he dont even tho he had cancer too. i feel so lost still. i talk to my doc about the rashes and feeling of sick when im in the heat they dont care about it just tell me to relax and stay out of the sun, well its like my mom said well doc it hurts here and doc says well dont do that anymore, ummmmm......... so does that mean well if the sun hurts u dont go outside sometimes i wonder if i need to find another endo doc or find someone else that may just deals with thyroid cancer but where i am there is only 2 endo docs which are in the same place working together. i wish i could find a doc that only specializes in thyroid cancer sometimes i wonder if an endo doc knows what they are doing.

is that a sunburn??

I am so tired of people asking me...... Is that a sunburn? or did u get a bad sunburn? I get this all the time now since RAI  and been on Synthroid. This morning I went up to the dollar general for somethings and the grocery store.  I got too hot and felt warm. I got home when i friend of mine who was going to take Ashley to a fair, asked me did u get a bad sunburn cuz my arms and face were red like one. I said no this is my life now. I even looked at my arm and yes it was red really red. But now that I am cooled down at home with the AC my arms and face are no longer red, and I wasn't even gone long and car has AC in it. My mom has a red tint to her skin since her radiation from uterine cancer but mine is only when im really hot then goes away when im cooled down. I called my endo doc last week and all they said was to stay in take it easy and dont over do well heck what am i suppose to do become a hermit and never leave my house and not clean or cook i cant even go to church cuz im afraid itll be too hot even tho they have AC now doesnt mean its gonna be cool enough for me.  this is so frustrating for me i cant wait til i see my endo doc in aug to really talk to her about everything. but im dreading seeing her cuz i know i need to do the LID again and i hate that part of the check up.
I just need to keep trusting the Lord in all this even tho at times and there are alot of times where i feel i cant but i know im not alone He is right here and He has a plan i just dont know what it is yet He knows the future He is already there ARGGGGGGGGGGG I HATE THIS!  well thought id write a little on here and update my blog on some things

Sun and Heat and how I am feeling

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phil 4:13

I keep thinking about this verse and wonder why its so hard for me to find strength in God I know He is there and wants to help me, but I dont feel it I feel so weak emotionally,physically, mentally, and spiritually. I'm tired of the way I have been feeling. I have been having some issues with the heat and sun, everytime i go outside for a bit I get sick, weak and dizzy and then if I'm really overheated in my body I get a rash on my right arm and feels like a sunburn when u feel it. When I  cool down it goes away. Some people tell me to ask my endo doc about that it may be my Synthroid, even my husband asks me if it says anything on papers I get on the pill if it says stay away from sun and heat... Well it doesn't so I did call me endo dr tues, and all they said was to stay out of the sun and heat and take it easy, cuz I told them too I get tired and weak still and still feel out od sorts. So does that mean I can't go anywhere unless it has a AC??? Cuz I feel better when I am in AC so if thats so that means no inlaws, no church, etc....
They said too its how my body is reacting now ok to WHAT!? they didn't say.  they said take it easy if I take it anymore easy i wouldn't be doing anything at all. I have been taking it easy I thought. I see endo doc in aug for my checkup so I am gonna have a nice talk with her about all this. I still don't eat good or taste much everything taste bland to me. I still have a hard time grocery shopping I get tired to easy still and tues when I went I must have twisted my back, it was hurting before cuz I have been overdoing myself with housework in kicthen  but tues I really did it bad I cant even get off the couch without feeling like I'm gonna be on my knees soon. It's like sianca but on my left side and been having spasms. Just what I need more of me to hurt and can't do much. If my back don't straighten up I'll have to see my fam doc about it I already take a pain pill for my neck which I thought would help the back but doesn't  I need a muscle relaxer for it since all I have with it is spasms. I feel discouraged but don't know who to talk to or how to talk about how I feel.  I don't think my husband would listen to me or understand even tho he had cancer too yrs ago and hes the one person I thought would understand. Our daughter is the only one here who yells at me if I am doing too much which shows she cares about her mommy, and shes only 13 she shouldn't be worried about her mom. And she will offer to help me out or tell me to lay down and she will do what i was doing usually housework. I still feel weak when  I walk thought maybe i could gain strength doing that but I cant take the heat. This is so depressing. I wish the heat would go down its been in the 90s here for a few weeks mid 90s now 80s would be fine. I wish I didn't feel so alone in this.................

Frustrated

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28


i thought i was doing good on feeling better. But now i really dont feel good, our town had its Blockhouse Festival and its only a walk from our house alittle more than where i do my short walks. We went up for our annual chez steaks and sausage and pepers and did some walking around it too. Mark let me buy a hanging towel for the kitchen. and we walked back. I thought i wouldnt make it home was getting really tired and falling behind my hubby and daughter. I couldnt even walk back up later to watch the fireworks they had but could hear them. Im tired of feeling tired and not feeling well. when ppl ask me how ya doing my usual answer is im tired.
Im taking my thyroid meds like im suppose to and they said my levels are where they want it to be but i still dont have the energy i use to have i hate it. And to think that in a couple months the drs are going to make me "hypo" again to check to see about cancer. i still cant sleep to good at night then im tired all day i have a terrible migraine and neck hurts. And to make me even more stressed while i was using my washer today doing clothes our water pump wouldnt stop running my hubby had to come and shut it off til he got home so we had no water all day and now him and a friend are downstairs figuring out if we need a new one or if its fixable.
Can this year be over with yet?!!?!!????
I still continue to trust the Lord through all this and find my strength in Him, but i know i need to not over do myself and wear me out im just so use to being the superwoman here that does everything inside this house, and hardly ever asked for help from family. I feel like im losing my mind or maybe im overwhelmed i dont know. I cant take the heat anymore i get rashes if i get overheated so i always have to have the AC blowing on me then im cold when its on me so im on the couch with a quilt on me with air blowing on me cuz if i shut it off i get warm and feel like i cant breathe right. well thought id put an update up but too tired to think of what to type. so gonna stop and relax for awhile since my hubby went up to buy a new pump so we can have water again.

I will meditate on Your Word

I saw this picture on facebook and loved it, it really shows someone who reads hes Bible all the time, and always uses it. i only wish i could say i use my Bible just as much. In some places my Bible is falling apart but not bad. The verses I read this morning really goes with this picture.


Your word I have hidden in my heart, That I might not sin against You!    I will meditate on Your precepts, And contemplate Your ways.  I will delight myself in Your statutes; I will not forget Your word. Psalm 119: 11, 15-16 

These are just some of the verses i love in the Bible. In this last week I have been changed, I started to pray again last week and kept up with it and i feel so much better in my faith then i was before in the last few months, when i felt lost and alone. I know I am not alone that God was with me the whole time but i didnt see it. I have fallen and God was there and picked me right back up, and isnt that what parents do to their children, and have them try to get up themselves after they learn a lesson but i know i cant stand without God holding me up. God just waits for us to come to Him and asks for help, cuz He wants us to completely depend on Him. He is so patient to wait for us to call on Him to lift us up and He is always there to lift us. He was patient on me and working in me some lessons He wanted me to learn. I feel my faith has stregthens since all this thyroid cancer, and my physical strength is coming back as well.

I still get tired and weak but i have to know my limits and i have been trying to go on short walks to build my muscles back to where they were before. I still have trouble with tasting still but have been trying to eat better and have been losing weight which i like cuz id like to lose some. I am still stressing about what is gonna happen in Aug-Sept when they check me again to see if i still have cancer and need another treatment or not, but i know i need to trust the Lord cuz He is already there in the future, and He knows what will happen. I just hate the waiting period. Even tho it seems like the last 6 months went by fast cuz i really dont remember those months since my brain was in a fog and when i read back on here what i wrote it makes me sad that i dont remember typing them let alone feeling all the darkness i was in, when i think back to that everything is black to me. The months i have to wait to see if the RAI worked is going very slow for me, all i want is to hear is.... we cant find anymore cancer and so far you are in remission. But i will have to see when that time comes. I still have in my head what my endo doc said to me when i saw her the first time " Dont expect to be cancer free in 6 months" real nice to hear yes i want to be cancer free in 6 months. And im sure she has to go the route of worse case senerio to be safe, but hated to hear that. I can see it I get all my taste back and feel good again just in time for them to say well start ur LID and come for a scan, then to have them tell me u need another RAI and then comes all the sickness i had in march and april, i dont want to go back to feeling like i did in them months it was horrible. But i cant keep thinking about it even tho i know some of that will come and i have to do some of that to see but i need to trust God and He knows whats ahead. I hate being the sick one, im the one in this family who takes care of them who are sick not the one being taken care of. Im use to worrying about my hubby when he had cancer and trying my best to get thru that with him. Now the shoes have been switched and im the one with cancer, and we are going thru that the other went thru before. i dont know how Mark went through my cancer but i remember what i went through with him and wasnt fun at all i was scared everyday he had cancer wondering if i was gonna lose him. Mark wouldnt talk to me about any of the last few months and how he handled all this. I dont know if he ever worried about me when i was in the ER 4xs in a week. I know how Ash took it our daughter i know she was worried and i hate that shell remember her mommy having cancer, with her daddy she was only 2 when he had cancer. well i guess im rambling so i better stop and leave one last verse for today..

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:33-34

Faith like a mustard seed

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-10

So Jesus said to them, "Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20

In the last few days these verses have hit me and made me think. I have always wished i had faith like a mustard seed, its alot of work to have faith like that even more work when you are going through something that you feel has broke you. That is how I have felt in months since my diagnosis of thyroid cancer. I felt my faith went and hid on me, and that God left me or punished me for something, but I know its a test of my faith and that He never left me He was always there in my weakness, its to make me stronger in my faith, and to find strength in my Lord. One verse i had to chuckle cuz it talks about God has all your hair numbered, but im sure my hair count has gone down quite a bit with all this thyroid stuff........But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Matthew 10:30

I have been feeling alot stronger in the last few weeks i even went on 2 short walks to our local grocery store its about 1/2 mile to and back from there so i walked a mile last week which is alot for me, before i couldnt walk up my stairs without feeling out of breath. I still havent been sleeping to good. I have been eating ok i guess still cant taste foods too well but still eat some. I have been getting out of bed before 10am for the last week, i use to get up at 7 with my hubby and get his lunch around and then have my quiet time with the Lord before Ash would get up. I use to love the mornings i always felt the closest to God in the quietness of the mornings. I have always believed that if you start your day with the Lord first your day will be better and blessed cuz the Lord should be first in our lives and the start of everyday, even before breakfast. And I still believe that way, and I like to get back into doing that... I miss seeing my Mark before he goes to work, and im sure he misses me making his lunches. i havent gotten up with Mark since my first thyroid surgery back in dec 2011.

This morning when I got up, I read my Bible like always did but today was different I felt my heart open up a little and the verses on the very top of here is some of what i read and its like something hit me that when i am at my weakest God is there to give me strength. And today I prayed for the first time in months with the help of one of my favorite authors, Stormie Omartian, and in her book had the mustard seed verse which all kinda goes together. It felt good to pray again and talk with the Lord again it brought me  almost to tears. Now if I can get back into doing this daily and more often, i use to pray many times a day especially when i was worried about Mark driving for his job.

I heard someone said every relationship goes through a "winter" season whether it be a marriage relationship or your relationship with the Lord and i think i have been through a "winter" one with the Lord but feeling now that winter is coming to an end or starting to end and the next season it going to start. I just have to continue on this journey i started back in 2010 and continue walking with the Lord. I had this peace this morning when i read The Word today something i havent had in months.  And there something i learned in the last few months that my husband had been and is praying for me something i never knew he ever did, or cared too it is nice to hear that from him. I have had a hard time believing he loves me or feeling his love and wondered if he cares. I hope he will always pray for me, when i pray i have always prayed for Mark for everything, and that we would be closer as a couple and in the Lord.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. Eph. 5:31

Just another day

Well I went to my family dr yesterday to see how my stress test came out, and dr said all came out great. He had me have bloodwk too and said that came out with good numbers too think it was my chlesterol he was worried about too. I asked my family dr who is gonna be replacing him since hes retiring soon. I told him the nurses at the place i had my stress test told me he was retiring soon. He said hes retiring the end of Oct and some "southern gentleman" will be taking his place, and he told me he didnt have the heart to tell me he was retiring in April cuz i was so sick he said. I probably wouldnt remember if he told anyways since i cant really remember from jan to the end of april anyways. he told me too i was very hypothyroid for a long time too, and thats why i cant remember much my brain was in such a fog.
Today 10 yrs ago was my hubbys last cancer surgery so today is my hubbys 10th yr cancer free im so happy he is cancer free. theres just something about this date with my family 10 yrs it started with the hubby, 5 yrs i had my hysterectomy and today our puppy gets spayed well shes almost a yr she will be in july. and its my aunts bday too.
I am still getting tired if i do too much like yesterday was a very busy day my dr appt was for 1045 and i hit 5 stores before i even went there and my BP was high but told him i was way busy before seeing him, and had 3 more stores to go into after i was done there, i went grocery shopping, and had to get my meds i always gets on the first of each month. i came home sore and very tired and worn out. so today gonna take it easy and not do too much but like that i can do more then i could a few months ago. I wish i could sleep at night i probably wouldnt feel so tired if i could sleep all night like i did before all this.
I did make it to church this past sunday i havent gone in prob 6 months, it felt good to sit in church again. but i was very tired during the sermon we didnt stay  for sunday school tho. i gotta keep myself busy like to get back into walking or something for exercise i did lose 6 lbs when they weighed me yesterday last time i was up 4 lbs cuz my mom made me eat when i was at her house for a week trying to get strength, and now down 6lbs which is good bit not good cuz i still dont eat very well food still taste funny only things that taste good is merinated,spicy, or bbqed stuff. and i had thought i gained weight.  i wish my hubby and daughter and i could start walking or my hubby wants is a bike to ride for exercise outside both hubby and i could lose some weight i wish i could see my wedding weight but that prob never happen my dr told me a weight hed like to see me at and it was 30lbs more than i weighed when i got married i was only 19 too when i got married i was young. i wouldnt mind getting to the weight dr wants me at but highly doubt it unless i can get back into walking i know i lose alot of weight then but i had a thyroid too that worked i dont know how losing weight will be with not having a thyroid cuz that controls ur how ur food turns into energy and the ppl i talk to that dont have a thyroid said they have a very hard time losing weight and they take the thyroid meds too. i guess ill have to see how it is for me i know everyone is different in how they lose weight.

Is this really June 1st?!?!?!!!!!

I found this picture on facebook thought it was pretty someone and their daughter who had thyroid cancer made it its thyroid cancer colors and since our thyroids are butterfly shaped is the reason for the pretty butterfly......
This does not feel like June. For one its cold and pouring hard here and where i live we are under a tornado watch ..... oh great! and this is Pa. This weather dont make me feel good at all. It makes my neck hurt bad and have a headache probably from the neck since i was rear-ended feb 2011 i have  herniated disc and bulging disc in my cervical spine. Im just have a full load of health issues. today i had the doors open and no A/C on it was nice and cool. And i have been going between being freezing to hot to the point im sweating. my daughter had her evaluation for homeschool the last date i wrote and it was so hot in Sylvias house i got a bad rash on my arm, ive noticed that when i get extremely hot when i cool down i have a rash on my right arm. Question is does that have anything to do with having Thyroid Cancer? i wonder, cuz it never happened to me before. I have some of my energy back seems like i have been keeping my house cleaner and dishes all up. And have been eating better but only certain foods still like spicy and merinated foods. I see my family doc on monday to see how my stress test came out. I still have trouble sleeping and still cant get up in the morning.
I still have my moments of feeling lost and alone, but i still have ppl telling me they are praying for me which is a comfort. Its almost like my heart hurts and theres no way of making it stop. It feels like i dont have my  heart fully into where i need to be with the Lord, like it was before. its like i cant get my heart back there and have a hard time going to church its been awhile since ive gone, ppl there probably wonder if i feel of the face of the earth. the weather outside is kinda how i feel at the moment but somedays i feel good and happy then it fizzles away. People who are christians tell me to look up to the Lord and lean on Him but i cant get myself there and i dont know why someone asked me if i cried out to Him and i have dozens of times. I still cant get back to where i prayed 3xs a day i cant even do it once. I still do some devotions in the AM but my heart is not in it at all, and i dont do what i use to, i use to read the Bible in a yr and i was doing some devotions 3xs a day too where i went to bed doing some reading and praying. The last time i felt this way was when my hubby and i got some martial counselling back in 08 where i was angry and bitter towards my hubby and my father, and just a week before our pastor started coming down i talked with his wife and let out alot of stuff that i never knew i had in me and felt better that i got it out to a trusted friend, but now i dont know what i have to let out if im angry and i dont know with whom im mad at. and it all started when i was diagnosed with cancer, i was upset that my hubby wasnt there with me when i found out by my surgeon, and his mom was, i know i was afraid and wishing i didnt have to tell my hubby,  i wouldnt have had to if he were with me. and i know thyroid cancer messes with your emotions cuz that one of many things a thyroid controls and much more that i didnt know. i just wonder when this fog will go away and i can get back to where i was before this. But i do know that i will talk to anyone about this cancer i wanna help someone who may be going through this or was diagnosed with this, my hubby doesnt like to talk about cancer since he had it 11 yrs ago and i thought he was the one i could lean on and that would help me out. i still dont know how he is taking all this he dont talk to me. He did let me order from ThyCA a thyroid cancer ribbon pin so i can wear one.
I just want to feel better and not feel tired all the time i hate this, and to think i have to get check in september and see if i need another treatment i hate the waiting period i never did have patience and God know that! i joined a thyroid cancer support group on facebook its so nice to talk with other people who do like to talk about what they are going through i feel like i belong there just not anywhere else. so i guess ill end it here and get ready for bed im tired and hoping i can sleep tonight just waiting for the hubby to get home hes at a buddies house and im here alone for while and our daughter is at gram bakers for a week or so my parents ..... i love lighthouses so i figured id add this to this too i look around my house at the lighthouses a close friend gave me we both like lighthouses she just has alot more than i do and its funny how we get along so well now we are adults and when we went to school we werent at all close and she would be the one id talk to about anything but she lives by my parents which are 2 hrs east from where i live now.... someone asked me recently where my circle of friend support is i said in Montrose where this friend lives i dont think i have anyone here by me who id call as a good friend to talk to..............................

A New Day

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:7



When I came across this verse when looking through my bible on my laptop, it hit me that i have been living in fear about this thyroid cancer. I know God didnt give me the spirit of fear because He never left my side through all this. And my mind has not been calm the last 6 or 7  months now. I still dont feel up to par yet but better than i was the last few months. And the thoughts of possibly going through all this again in sept scares me. But i know God will be with me through it all and He has and will give me the strength i need.
Something came over me today as i got this message from someone i have known for years, telling me they have a bunch of nodules in their neck and they will too be checked for thyroid cancer. I told this person I will help anyway I can and if they have any questions I will try to answer them the best I know how. This person said they didnt want to bring back stuff for me when I was going through that, I told them, not to worry about me I want to talk about it, and help anyway i can i want to be an avocate I want to spread awareness about thyroid cancer and to do self checks of peoples necks to see if they have lumps and bumps. Mark on the other hand doesnt want to relive his cancer time. I never was that way not even with epilepsy i had and id talk about that too. I would rather tell my story if it would help one person to check their necks for nodules and have them find their cancer early not later, they always tell women to check their breasts every months why not your neck too, breast cancer is not the only cancer there is there are lots of cancer and its sad to hear people being diagnosed with any cancer.
I am still not sure why God allowed this to happen to me, but i know i will know someday maybe. It may just be for me to see i can be strong and not weak, and to ask for help when i need it i have always had a hard time asking for help and the past 6 months i had to ask for help from Mark, Ashley, and my 2 moms. I am not a superwomen who has to do all the work myself. I always thought it was a weakness to ask for help but its not.
I need to trust God, and know He is there with me through this. And i need to start praying again and pray for those who may have thyroid cancer and those who do. and pray that there will be a cure for all cancers.
I dont feel like im in a dark room anymore, everyone i talk to tells me they are praying for me and that encourages me. I still feel tired still and dizzy and lightheaded but i have to not do to much and rest my body when it needs it. Yes the last few months were very dark for me but I am not afraid to talk about it with people. God doesnt give you no more than He knows you can handle when you are walking with the Lord.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Prov. 3:5-6  

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? Psalm 56:3-4

feeling somewhat better

i feel better than i did in the last blog thing, i was at my moms and she made me eat lol. now im home and barely eat now but i do. saw my family dr last  monday and he wants me to have a stress test, thurday. so i have to go get that done UGH, hes worried about my heart since he told me that they should have had me off my high BP pills during my thyroid cancer treatment RAI. my BP is low now the dr always thought i had high BP but never believed him. but now its low to where hes worried about it. had my first bloodwork done on the synthroid im on did that last  monday as well. they called me  last monday night  its right on target where they want it so im staying on 200mcgs. i still feel tired and fatigue. and when i over do around the house i feel dizzy and lighheaded. but yesterday my daughter made me stay down and she washed the dishes for Mother's Day, i loved it. and i thought i was done seeing docs lol i have a follow up with fam june 4th, then in aug see my endo doc and sept is my checkup to see if i need RAI again.
May is a good month and a nerve wreaking month our daughter turns 13 in a week, tomorrow my Mark goes to get his bloodwork for hes yearly cancer visit and next tues is hes dr appt to stay if he is 10 yrs cancer free. i think he will be i hope so its great to hear he is cancer free. i cant wait to hear it myself as well some day. never thought id ever get thyroid cancer, for one i never heard of it, and its an unusal cancer. course i had to get the most unusal cancer. im unusal i guess.
I just want to feel better and have the energy i had. never  thought it would take so much out of me its not like i got chemo like my husband where he was sick all the time and throwing up and saw sick ppl all the time at the cancer center he went to. the part i hated the most was the LID i didnt want to eat anything by the 5th day. and feeling very weak from being hypothyroid where i couldnt keep up with Mark when we walked into the place i  got my RAI from, usually its him who cant keep up with me, and i still cant catch up to him, this month when i went grocery shopping i had to make more days to get them then i do cuz i get so tired when i shop.
at least i know im not the only one going through this with heart racing and BPs being low my sister in law said she talked to someone who went through what i went through. and i thought i was the only one. guess it affects people differently then other and some the same.
I still have a hard time getting up in the morning like i use to get up, i cant sleep well at night anymore takes me along time to fall asleep and i wake up alot in the night more than i use to before all this. i still feel down and alone, like im still in this dark place where i cant find my way out and dont see the end, i dont see where God is taking me i feel lost, and i dont know who to talk to about this mark dont understand it hes like what do u mean dark place and i feel i lost my faith i said that to him and he didnt understand that either. im tired of feeling this way and always feeling like i want to sleep all the time. I WANT TO SLEEP all night for once and actually feel like i got the rest i need.. i hope when i get checked again in sept that i wont need another treatment, and i know that sept is thyroid cancer awareness month and i get checked again that month. guess we will have to wait and see, my mom dont understand the wait but from what i read i understand it she thinks everything has to be done all the same day lol but of course she just wants me healthy again and im her daughter and im not suppose to get sick in her eyes... id be worried about my daughter too id never want her to be sick in anyway.

resting at moms

I've been in the ER 4 times in the last week and half. 2xs within 24 hrs at the start of it. I always get tired everytime i get up and do stuff around the house, so my husband said why dont you stay at your moms for a week and rest. so i did and now im at my moms resting and she has been "MAKING" eat and i have felt better. this is the first day i havent been dizzy and lightheaded so maybe it was that i wasnt eating. My sister-in-law calls me yesterday on my cell ph, and she told me she knows someone else having the same problems as i am with my heart racing and feeling weak that it took time before it all slowed down right now that lady is going for her 6 month checkup appt. so im not the only one dealing with this and the drs dont tell you anything like that. im still cold even to touch my mom felt my arm yesterday she said i felt like ice and so did my dad i told them im cold i get the chills so bad that i feel like i cant warm up. i was suppose to see my fam dr 2mro i decided to not see him til next monday cuz im over to my moms and shes 2 hrs away from where i live now. Mark will be coming this weekend to take us home ashley and i.
when i get back home i have to see dr and go for some bloodwork for my endo doc, to check and see if my thyroid med is making me where im suppose to be.
Im tired of feeling crumby and still finding it hard to see where the Lord is taking me, i think of this book my mother-in-law gave me a few yrs ago and i feel like im in the beach of loneliness. where im walking on a beach its dreary and cold and lonely. the book is called something like Hind's feet in high places its a allogory, or something like that it was a very good book i should read again. but i can relate to the main character "Much Afraid." I can totally relate to this book. And the "Shepherd" character in the book was the Lord.  i feel alone but i know im not alone i know that sound strange but its just how i feel and what i know.  and i know i have friends and family that will be there for me, i have several churches praying for me and thats a comfort. So im hoping that a week at my moms i will feel better and not be dizzy all the time so i can start to drive again and get on with my life. Endo doc said this could be lasting 6 months im like great i have no taste and i feel weak and it will take 6 months to get better just in time to get checked again where i have to do the LID which that was where i started to feel sick and nauseated which i still am nauseated even smells nauseate me like this AM i smelled really ripped bananas and i use to love bananas now the smell makes me sick to my stomach. I miss my husband kinda wish i was home but i know if i was home id work to much and feel weak and tired and possible another ER trip but i need to limit myself when i do go home.

not feeling well stil!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish i can feel better soon im tired of the dizziness and lightheaded i feel. i have too much to do to be down in bed all the time. i checked my BP today seems low again and i was suppose to take ashley to her fire safety class and camp but didnt feel good so we didnt go. she has piano lessons 2mro but mom peet will be taking her since im not sure if i can drive with the way i feel. i have to get her portfolio done and meet with our evalutator. see im too busy to be sick. im still cold and cant seem to get warmed up. they said my thyroid nums are ok but i still feel crummy. ive been drinking alot but i wonder if i need another IV fluid again. seems like i perked up when i got it . the endo dr said could take up to 6 months before i feel better but thats a long time and it about the time i need to see her again. my taste is still not there.
i still feel like im alone and lost and cant find my way out. i feel discouraged like theres no end in this i wonder if this is what most cancer patients feel like i cant seem to shake it. my best friend from childhood said she envied my faith in the Lord, im not sure she would still say that now cuz im not sure anymore. i cant seem to find anyone to talk to about how i feel Mark dont understand even tho i thought hed be the first to understand being that he had cancer 11 yrs ago actually today it hes 11 yr cancerversary of when he was diagnosed.
i cant seem to pray i dont know what to say or feel when i try reading the bible has gotten hard too when that was my strength i love reading the bible i just cant get into anymore or with my whole heart like i was before i grew so much in the 2 yrs i read but now i feel like im lost and cant find my way and feel like i went backwards in my spiritual life and that scares me. i just feel very overwhelmed about everything thats why i thought i was having and anxiety attack last week. i have so much to do and cant do it house needs cleaning i have places i need to go things i need to do and they think stay at home wife/mothers arent busy and we are whether we are sick or not i dont know if i do to much to soon or what ....... well i need to go to bed im tired i dont know what tomorrow will bring but guess ill find out

What a eventful last 2 day UGH

WOW i had quite the 2 days. first of all.  since i took the LID and RAI i felt weak and tired and no energy, but the last 2 weeks i have been having chest pains. so thursday i had my husband take me to the ER cuz i felt i couldnt breathe like an elephant on my chest. that night they said it was anxiety so sent me home with adivan but didnt take away the tightness of my chest. so i made appt for fri with my fam dr, and he check my BP when i was sitting and said it was low so he had me lay down and BP went up but then had me sit up then stand up  my BP dropped very low. so hes like i cant let you drive home. think he said once my top num of my BP was 90 which scared me. so he made me stay laid down on the table, and kept checking on me.  then he came in after all his patients were gone cuz he closed at noon and i was still there. so he came in later and said he had to call my mom in law to come and get my daughter and drive our car. then he comes in my room and checking my BP every so often so then he said im calling 911 for and ambulance to take me to the hospital cuz he was afraid i may pass out if my in laws to take only 15 mins away.
He called the ER and said he was sending me over so they were ready for me right away. i never had a dr call 911 on me at his office i was very nervous.
so i get to the ER again the 2nd day in a row, and they hooked me to bunch of tests they took me to get xrays and by the i got back from the xrays my husband was right there and i was surprised he was there i didnt tell him i was trying not to get him til after work cuz he missed a few hours thurs, but he was there fast. his mom called him i guess and told him and he left work right away. Ashley had to stay with my dr til in laws came i was so worried about her but when i saw mark at the ER i knew she was with gram,
so at the ER they did different tests blookwork and checked my thyroid nums earlier then my endo wanted to but said to have it done and showed that they were normal,  so gotta ask her next week if she still wants me to in may like we planned. all my test came back normal like the night before, but the only different thing they did yesterday that they didnt thurs, they gave me a liter of IV fluids in a hr and they checked my BP laying,sitting, and standing and my BP came up and was stable. so they come in and said i was slighty dehydrated, which i cant understand i drink so  much water in a day  like i cant get enough of it im thirsty all the time but i havent been eating to well, ive been losing weight which i thought i wasnt but i am i lost 4 lbs from tues (at endo dr) to fri (at my fam dr). i just cant eat cuz im nauseated and everything taste funny and i just dont feel hungry. i do force myself only cuz i need food for potassium pill ... my fam dr did tell me to stop my BP meds for awhile and said i shouldnt have been on it while i was hypo thyroid. i just wish things would slow down and not crazy. i still feel very overwhelm by what i need to be doing my mom is here with me for a few days so i can rest and not worry about anything and i think Mark didnt want me to be home alone think hes worried about me but not showing it to well. i want to stop worrying my family, especially my 2 moms.
 im still finding it hard to find peace in the Lord lately and i dont know why its like im in this big storm and im lost and cant find my way out it and just keeps getting stronger to strong.  i thought since i didnt have chemo that i would have more energy then what Mark had when he had cancer, but i feel just as sick as if i did have it, i dont know what will happen if i feel like i did this last months again so i go and get more fluids cuz after i got it i felt like i different person even my body dont feel weak and crampy anymore i hope i dont need to, i thought i was drinking alot more than usually but guess i have to try to eat more than i do. hopefully i will start to feel better and get more energy but right now i feel like taking a snooze so i will close for now

TIRED AND FEELING BLAHHHHHHHHH

i see my endocrinologist tues the 17th, and i hope she can do something to make me feel any energy, like adjust my synthroid.  lately i have not felt like even getting out of bed, i have to force myself out.  i feel tired and still a bit weak. my arms and legs still feel crampy. all i want to do is sleep all the time and cry. i dont know how the RAI did yet i may know something tues, but what i do know is that food still taste funny to me and im cold all the time even on nice days. im just wondering when my taste will come back if it does. things that were my favorite food dont taste as good anymore, even my fav soda dont taste good which is pepsi. and i had my RAI on mar16th. i feel nauseated all the time even smelling food makes me sick. i use to have a strong stomach for things like nasty smells and stuff now all i want to do it throw up when i smell anything nasty. i feel like im in a dark place right now where i see no light at the end. Mark doesnt understand that when i tell him how i feel. i cant describe it to him. i feel like crying all the time. i know God is here with me but i dont feel Him here, i feel lost and alone even tho i have family and friends around me that care. i dont even feel like typing on here but figured since i havent in awhile i would write something here. i use to be a positive person but not anymore not as much as i was. for some reason i havent been able to pray to God i dont know what to say or even feel like to. i dont feel like going anywhere i havent really been to church for awhile other than Easter sunday, where before i went every sunday unless i was sick or had a sick kid. i just dont feel like getting out of bed at all. i use to be an early riser making Marks lunches and having my quiet time with the Lord, then to get ashley up for homeschooling. now i barely get out of bed til 9 or 10 am. i havent gotten up that late since i stopped my seizure meds and since having ashley. i cant sleep at night too well keep waking up. then have to try and take my synthroid as early as i can so i can take other meds hrs later cuz i cant take them with the thyroid med.
i dont look sick to people and they always wonder why i dont go anywhere, and im tired of saying im TIRED all the time. my heart has been bumping hard when i do the smallest things around the house and that just wears me out and no one understands it i think the only people who understand are those that have had thyroid cancer, people dont understand how much a thyroid does for ur body, i know i didnt til i researched thyroids when i had a nodule then a tumor then surgery then cancer. i wanted to learn everything about what im going through, i did that about my hubbys cancer when he had it but back then it was research at the library i got to do my research online. the LID was when i started to feel sick and weak and the foods i had to eat made me want to throw up and sometimes i didnt eat. even now with foods i still dont want to eat cuz they taste funny. if im not losing weight now then i probably wont lose weight or the little amounts of food i do force myself to eat is keeping me from losing weight.
i have been watching a blog on here about thyroid cancer and this person is in recurrance of thyroid cancer for the 3rd time i think. which makes me worry about my own thyroid cancer i dont know if mine was found early enough or not i know it is stage II. and my "endo" doc said " dont expect to be cancer free in 6 months" i know she has to say the worse case senerio but man thats something i dont want to hear.
i just want my life back to the way it was where i had energy and had a spotless home. and was able to sleep all night. Cancer i know changes people ive seen it when Mark had cancer in 2001. and all cancers are DIFFERENT and have DIFFERENT side affects.
i just dont know how i feel about anything anymore even with my faith in God and that scares me when i doubt that i have never doubted my faith in God before. i just dont know...............

finally its over

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy also upon me, and answer me. Psalm 27:7

Last Fri the 16th i got my RAI, and had my family be away from me for a full 7 days. They all came back yesterday i was so happy to get them all back home. i was hypothyroid before my 2 weeks so they started my treatment early and get it them over with. i hated the LID i hope never have to do that again. the RAI wasnt fun either everything tasted funny and i felt nauseated and weak. i still feel that way. hopefully this levothyroxine starts to help me better they are thinking about putting me on a booster pill for a week to help with the pain in my legs and arms i cant do to much before  i get tired and cant walk as fast as i did before feels like i ran a marathon when i walk a few feet.
 i see my endo doc in april and im sure theres gonna be alot of bloodwork. i had my post scan fri (23) i hate that test it hurts the back and neck and it was for an hr and half laying there and feeling my arms and legs go numb and when u have to scratch and itch on ur nose u cant and i had one ugh.
i felt alone all last week but i know i wasnt God was protecting me through all that. i cried every night knowing that i was gonna be here alone and my family was elsewhere. since i had no other place to go while on the RAI. i was so bored with nothing to do i ate with all plasticware so i can throw it out and not hurt my family i spend thurs and fri cleaning up the house and laundry to get all the RAI out of the house before they all came home and i wanted them safe. my moods are even getting better so maybe the levothyroxine is helping but still have no strength to do much of anything and still feel not up to par.
from the 13-16th i ran to this nuclear dr 13th was to meet with her and thought i was hypo enough just on how i talked so she said to go ahead and get my labs done to see then the next day they called and said i was ready to have my prescan so 14th got the 8 pills and the 15 was precan then 16 was the RAI which i recieved 100.9mg  2 pills of it i dont know if thats good or bad since this is my first time having thyroid issues. Mark did check up on me everyday when he stopped here during his work day, and was so hard not to hug and kiss him. and was hard on our daughter to be away for that long from her momma she killed me with her txtes about i want to come home NOW and knowing that i couldnt do anything i wouldve gladly went to get her but had to protect her so i had to say no u cant right now . now its all over with for now anyways and i can enjoy havin my family back with me again where i can make REAL food again that tastes good even tho still tastes funny for me right now but slowing coming back to me.
now its a wait thing to see if the RAI got everything it needed to get and i hope it stays away and that im free from this and i can go back to a normal life i think but i know God is in control of this and i keep on trusting in Him and looking up to Him for the light He knows whats ahead i dont but theres always a lesson behind every storm and i havent figured out what it is yet but He will tell me when it is time........
 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

Fear of being alone but i know im not alone

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?  Psalms 56:3-4


 well today i got my RAI treatment i had to take 2 pills. Mark took and brought me home. Ashley was picked up by Mark's sister before my treatment, and Mark went down there again after he took me home. where i have treatment his sister lives about 20 miles south of there and we live 30 miles north so it was mid way. but Mark had to go through the same town twice. now i have to drink alot to help get this out of my system. sunday night i can eat real food again, which Mark will buy me 2 fish sandwiches and fries from mcds im so hungry for them, and the monday morning i start that levothyroxine ( synthroid) my endo dr will start me on 200 mcg they are tiny pills. hopefully ill get some strength back i feel so tired and thought id pass out today. Marks gonna check up on me everyday  hes at work so ill see him but i wont see him this weekend til he brings me my mcds on sunday. this will be the first we cant watch "our" show together sunday night we love to watch Army Wives thats the one show we agree on watching and spend time together and ill miss our "tea time" we make each others teas at night. i miss them already even before they left im stuck at home alone and i hate especially at night i usually cant sleep when im here alone or even with Ashley here. its Mark i miss i cant sleep good when hes not here which i think it should  be that way i mean we are married 15 yrs and hardly ever apart from each other only a few times we havent been together. Mark even said he cant sleep when im not home or with him i guess thats a good thing:) means he misses me i wonder how he will sleep at his sisters house. i wont be able to see him on his bday only a few mins and cant hug him or kiss him happy bday his bday is thurs i filled out his card today before treatment so when he comes on his bday he can have it. just before we went into where i had to be we hugged and kissed for the last time for a week.
as far as what they told me the prescan didnt show that it spread which is a good thing and they said the pills they gave me would do the job i hope so i hope i dont have to do this again later on that it will be done and over with but God is in control and i trust Him. i was alittle anxious about today this morning when i woke up cuz i didnt want my family to leave me, but i know its safer for them and i want to protect them from this. they both can come home next friday which im gonna pick Ashley up after my post scan on fri and Mark will come home after work. Mark seems to be alot more concerned about me lately he keeps asking me if im feeling ok and doing ok he even prayed with me before he left today which made me cry i never heard him pray for me, and it gave me such comfort and lifted my spirits.
i hope i dont get nausated from this i havent yet thats one thing i cant stand it to be sick to my stomach they said it may happen but who knows .. i dont know if hypothyroid causes ringing in the ears but seems like my ears are ringing like crazy for the last week or so.
i know im weak in my body when Mark walks faster than me now, usually im faster then him and today he chuckled at me saying wow u really slowed down i couldnt keep up with him and it wasnt that far to walk either it feels like a ran a marathon even walking up my stairs in my home im out of breath. i think its sad when i walk into the nuclear medicine part of the hospital they said hi Lori or theres Lori lol  without me saying who i am i was there tues, wed, thurs, and fri this week.....
 i sat in the back seat on the way home and cried all the way home cuz i know when i get home im gonna be alone with my husband or daughter i love them so much. but i know im not alone cuz the Lord it with me and he will comfort me and protect me through the night. my mother-in-law gave me a verse one time when i was afraid to be here alone and its.........


I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Psalms 4:8